Have you ever been given a compliment that’s left you feeling the complete opposite of flattered?
Maybe you’ll recognise some of these back-handed compliments.
If you’ve said one of these in the past, maybe take it off your list of everyday compliments because (spoiler alert) they’re not actually compliments.
‘You’ve lost weight, you look so good!’
You might not know why someone’s lost weight; it could be due to illness, stress, or a whole host of other reasons. Commenting on it, even when you mean well, could be extremely difficult for that person to hear. Also, it insinuates that a person didn’t look good before they lost weight (which is not true).
Remember that losing weight in itself is not inherently good. Smaller does not equal better and implying that it does reeks of fatphobia. To stay safe, don’t comment on people’s bodies at all. It’s absolutely not your business.
‘You’re so strong, you can handle anything!’
This sounds really invalidating to anyone going through a hard time and can make them less likely to reach out for help. Being labelled as a strong person usually means that this person will keep their struggles to themselves to keep up their image as strong.
Strength can come from sharing too and sometimes ‘handling anything’ well means sharing the load with someone else.
‘Aw, you don’t look ill at all!’
Thanks, I guess? Doesn’t mean I don’t still feel it!
If someone’s just told you they’re not feeling good, whether that’s mentally or physically, believe them. You might mean well by saying they don’t look ill, but it can be really invalidating to hear and ignores the experiences of people with invisible illnesses.
Not all health conditions can be seen and someone might well look healthy but still be struggling with their health.
‘Don’t worry, I’m totally crazy sometimes too!’
See also: ‘I can be so OCD about stuff as well!’
Liking to keep your bedroom tidy is not the same as having obsessive compulsions and it can be uncomfortable for someone with a genuine mental illness to hear their difficulties be compared to cute personality quirks.
‘Don’t put yourself down, there’s nothing wrong with you!’
When a friend or relative is opening up to you about a problem, listen to them and trust their experiences. Disregarding what they’re telling you as nothing to worry about can make them feel incredibly alone and unlikely to seek help again.
Plus, a person disclosing that they’re struggling doesn’t mean they’re putting themselves down. It’s not a character flaw to be ill!
If you’ve been guilty of saying one or more of these, do yourself and everyone else a favour and delete them from your repertoire.
