Society has taught us to be compliant.
From an early age we’re told ‘don’t talk back’, ‘don’t shout’, ‘do as you’re told’. So it’s no wonder a lot of us thrive to be liked and amenable.
And when saying ‘no’ is seen as unco-operative, it’s sometimes easier to say yes, even though deep down you know you don’t want to.
So how can we learn where our boundaries lie, and stick within them without feeling guilty about it?
Acknowledge that you can’t do everything
This is the first step to being able to say no. We’re acknowledging to ourselves that there is only so much we can take on. Think of it like a glass of water. If we add to this glass exponentially, then accidents will happen. Think about your limits and acknowledge when you reach them. If we know why we’re saying no—because we have no room left in our glass— it’s a lot easier to say it.
Understand your inability to say no
At the same time, understanding why you have a hard time saying no can help you unpick how to say it in the future. Do you feel like if you say no people won’t like you? Is it a case of feeling indebted to whoever it is asking you? Do you automatically say yes before you’ve even thought about whether or not you can do it? Why?
It can help to think from the perspective of the person asking—put yourself in their shoes—would you expect someone to say yes even if it was at the detriment of their health? Would you dislike someone just because they said no? Chances are not. Chances are the person you asking feels the same.
Don’t apologise, you’re doing nothing wrong
Once you have made the decision to say no, because you don’t feel comfortable with saying yes, then allow yourself to say NO without feeling the need to apologise. You’re doing nothing wrong. Apologising will make you feel as though you’re in the wrong which can lead to feelings of guilt.
Have a phrase you can use
And because it’s hard not to throw in a ‘sorry’ and it’s hard to say no when saying yes is so well ingrained; having a go-to saying can help when you’re feeling under pressure. As long as it’s polite and to the point, a small phrase is a great tool to carry around. Something along the lines of: “thanks for thinking of me/asking me, but unfortunately I can’t” is perfect.
Can you offer an alternative?
If you’re feeling bad for the person asking, instead of taking on the load yourself, are there any alternatives you can offer? An alternative solution can be just as helpful. Can you help in a different way? Do you know someone else who may be able to help? Can you help from a distance? Any viable option could make saying no feel easier.
Say it directly and courteously
So, you’re ready to say no, how do you do it without sounding rude? For a start, remember you’re not being rude. Speak calmly and take a moment before you reply. Being wishy-washy or saying you’re not sure isn’t only doing yourself a disservice, it’s disrespectful to the other person. They deserve an answer, just as you deserve to give one.
For those who don’t want to hear your no, a calm controlled voice leaves little room for doubt. And if they keep pushing, just keep saying no. A broken-record technique works wonders in these situations.
Remember you own your feelings
At the end of the day no-one can make you feel guilty. You own your feelings and if you have a reason for saying no, then you have no reason to feel guilt. Easier said than done, I know. But the more often you remain in your self-built boundaries, the easier it becomes for you to say no without feeling guilty.
