As the new academic year gets underway, we too feel like we get a moment to reset. While it can be a great time to refresh goals, with the drop in the temperature and the drawing in of the days, that change from summer into autumn/winter can also herald the start of seasonal affective disorder wrapped up in a feeling that next summer seems so far away. So how can we focus on the new opportunities and overcome any winter blues?
Many people only seek help at the point of crisis, but if you make a commitment to building your resilience – your mental and emotional fortitude – every day (as you might make a commitment to building your physical strength), you are in a better position to:
– Buffer low level stress without detrimental effect
– Be able to return to a state to calm following an anxiety inducing event faster
– Find more joy in life as you are not using up so much of your available energy on anxiety
However, this is not easy. Because our brain is there to protect us, we recognise fear more easily than happiness, and physically and psychologically, we tend to do things that keep us comfortable. The irony of the latter is that after a while it can become too uncomfortable to make any change at all – even when you begin to feel stuck in a rut.
What can help is recognising that it is not always the big choices in life that have the greatest impact – buying a house, changing jobs, starting a relationship – they are defined and they also have an exit strategy, even if it’s not always a happy one. It is the little things we choose to do every day, the little habits we create that really shape who we become…so we need to remember we have agency to choose in a way that benefits our health and wellbeing.
The good news with taking a slow but steady approach to wellness is that little tweaks in our behaviour can result in big wins as we benefit from realigning our connections in the brain (a phenomenon called neuroplasticity). These new connections prime our mind to behave in healthier, happier ways.
5 Exercises to build resilience:
Keep a mental social distance!
Ask yourself before taking something on – IS THIS REALLY MY RESPONSIBILITY?
You cannot save people from themselves. If it is within your power, you can signpost them, and be there should they need a cheerleader, but solving their problems stops you from working on your own and can teach them to be dependent on you.
Try asking:
– HOW can I best help you?
– What would you like me to do?
– What have you tried?
– What are you trying to achieve?
These questions offer support, because you can then more effectively target your response while also returning the power back to the person asking. …and you can channel the saved energy from not getting involved in their psychodramas, into your own goals.
Improve emotional regulation by asking yourself “How might I behave if I didn’t have that thought?”
A lot of the time stress can be created (psychologically) by the story we are telling ourselves. For example, we might think a meeting went badly and then “carry the burden” of that thought the whole day, until someone else tells us “That meeting was great” – if you have ever been in that situation you will see how a change in perspective can lift stress right away.
Try asking yourself these 4 questions from “The Work” by Byron Katie:
– Is that thought true (and how do you know?)
– How do you feel thinking that thought
– How would you feel/act if you couldn’t think that thought?
– Is there another thought/action that will make you feel better than the current thought?
Schedule in “development time”.
Timetable yourself in every day – making that commitment to yourself as important as your commitments to others. Whether you use that time to meditate, take a class, read, or simply have a cup of tea (while it’s still hot) – clearing some headspace will also help you be more effective when you release the pause button.
Yes, focus on what you want, but also appreciate what you’ve got.
It’s great to know what you are aiming for, but take a moment to recognise what you have…as at one point those things were as much goals as the next thing on your list. Give them, and yourself for attaining them, the value they deserve.
i. Gratitude magnifies positive emotions which can energise us to be motivated to act: Research on emotion shows that positive emotions wear off quickly. Our emotional systems like newness – but after a while it wears off. But gratitude makes us appreciate the value of something.
ii. Gratitude blocks toxic, negative emotions, such as envy, resentment, regret—emotions that can destroy our happiness. This makes sense: You cannot feel envious and grateful at the same time. (So if you free up some of the space that envy takes up, you have more left to do whatever it is you need to do for you!)
iii. Grateful people have a higher sense of self-worth. Once you start to recognize the contributions that other people have made to your life and in turn realize that other people have seen the value in you to make those contributions—you can transform the way you see yourself…again your are more likely to be motivated to do something for yourself if you love yourself!
And finally, don’t make rigid resolutions, take a “North Star” approach.
Write down your overall goal and identify the steps you need to achieve it, and if you use that as your guide – like a compass, your daily little choices will move you in the right direction. If you get stuck ask yourself – is what I’m about to do going to move me towards my ideal life or away from it!?…and that may be enough to keep you going! And really make those little choices work for you!
Dr Audrey Tang is a psychologist, mental health & wellness expert and author of new book The Leader’s Guide to Resilience, Pearson, £14.99
