Being in a long term relationship is great because you can be totally yourself — from pooping in front of each other to knowing the ins and outs of each other’s bodies, the longer you are with a partner, the more comfortable you can be. Except when the sex starts to dwindle and there are scary statistics, like the average married couple has sex about 54 times per year – a 2017 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior, or a little more than once per week, it gets a little worrying.
The lack of sex is probably more pertinent now, especially seeing as we’re in Lockdown 3, and those of us in long term relationships are constantly around our partner 24/7. It can be hard to avoid seeing sex as a routine when you’ve been together for a long time.
There are lot of factors that contribute to how much or how little you do the dirty – from age, to lifestyle, sex drives, health – to probably the most important reason of all: the quality of your relationship. Having an issue in your relationship around sex isn’t just affecting people in straight relationships either – people in queer relationships can feel that loss of sex too.
‘Lesbian Bed Death’ is a term that was coined by sexologists Pepper Schwartz and Phillip Blumstein in their book American Couples, and it basically means that lesbians in monogamous, long-term relationships are pretty much friends without benefits and are having way less sex than other couples. Leah Davidson, a queer counsellor, says that Lesbian Bed Death is a real problem. Leah explained that “the reason [lessening sexual activity] is more frequent in lesbian relationships is due to women being more programmed to merge — that old joke about bringing the U-Haul on the second date — so we quickly become best friends or like family and lose that separateness and mystery that is such an essential part of desire.”
This stereotype doesn’t only affect lesbians either. Couples of all genders and sexualities can deal with a pretty similar decreased sex, or even sexless, relationship over time. “It’s definitely a wider phenomenon and it happens in all long-term relationships, due to lack of individuation and separateness. Desire needs distance and mystery in order to survive and flourish.”
There is a way to bring the spice back to any relationship, but there is no quick fix, says Sofia Sundari, bestselling author of the book Liberation into Orgasm.
Find That Missing Link
If you don’t look at issues that arise in the relationship, speak about them, and resolve them, it will result in built up bitterness which will, over time, continue to create more and more distance between the partners. This just results in less intimacy and less sexual desire. “Sex becomes just another task to tick off,” points out Yuval Mann, a sex educator and founder of the Sensual Alchemy School Of Integrated Sexuality. He also says that “the main reason for the loss of desire and passion is familiarity. Familiarity and companionship are enemies of sexual desire. The mystery and newness that once drove us mad into each other’s arms are simply not there in the same way after five, ten, or twenty years.”
“The issue arises when a majority of couples go into penetration before they are actually ready, and this leads to having less sex,” Sundari explains. “Neither one nor another partner has the opportunity to experience the real depth of what sexuality is. Also, sometimes it happens that very sexual people may feel a lack of libido.”
It is also important to stop here and point out that it is absolutely natural to have phases of not feeling sexual at all.
Brian Jory, PhD, a professor and director of family studies at Berry College in Georgia, says that in almost all long-term relationships, something called ‘sexual satiation’ sets in around year two or three. Sexual satiation is the been-there/done-that element of coupledom. “It’s the human tendency to become bored; it’s not a fault, and it’s nothing to be creeped out about or ashamed of.”
Focus On Now
Mann says to let go of trying to get the passion back. He goes on to explain that, “In any relationship, over time, we change, we develop, we grow together and apart, we get to know each other, and that’s beautiful.” Change is good, natural even, and instead of trying to go back to what it used to be or what was, the focus should be on what it is at the moment and what it can be.
If you want your relationship to blossom again you need to get raw and real with each other. “You need to get completely naked before you get naked,” says Sundari. Essentially, what you do is baring your soul and all your feelings, your thoughts, so your partner can understand where you’re coming from and where you’re at.
Talk About It
Talk about your fears, your struggles, your pain, your insecurities, your needs and your desires. About anything that’s been kept hidden, anything you’re scared of. Avoid blaming, shaming, and judging your partner. Don’t interrupt them. “Whatever they say is about them, not about you. Accept that,” Sundari clarifies.
You and your partner need to be on the same page when it comes to sex and the number of times you want to bang in a week; otherwise it’s going to keep driving a deeper wedge between you and then just blow up in your face.
Have Fun
Sex is about pleasure: “It’s about rediscovering yourself and someone else’s deepest, darkest, most beautiful corners through the most vulnerable aspect of our being,” Mann describes.
He goes on to explain that sex can range from being “divine or super dirty, to spontaneous one day and scheduled in another. Sex can be super magical or full of humanly awkward moments. It can be anything and should never be about one thing. The same goes for sex in a long term relationship.”
This is why it’s important to explore and try something new your sex life within a long-term relationship. It can be trying something frisky and exciting things like role-playing, toys, or bondage, but it can very well be also new types of touch or a sensual massage. You can even try to have tantric sex to ease any worries or anxieties.
Build Anticipation
“Another thing that will skyrocket your pleasure levels as a couple is creating a sexually charged space between you outside, and leading to the bedroom time,” Mann goes on to say. “It can be any way you like, from sexting throughout the day or week, to teasing each other physically and mentally, to expressing openly what you’d like to do to each other once you have a moment alone.”
While yes, long-term relationships can result in having a lot less sex, from fourteen times a week down to just once a fortnight, and may end up affecting the overall quality of the relationship – it can be dealt with. Through talking. Through experimenting. Through reminding each other why you loved shagging each other in the first place.
