When researching the reasons behind sex toy-related insecurity, I could only find a number of articles explaining – in a heteronormative sense – why men feel that the vibrator is their main competitor in the bedroom.
The truth is, sex toys can be a significant source of insecurity for anyone, of any gender and sexuality. There’s a myth that just because toys are heavily featured throughout non-hetero porn, cock-rings and G-spot vibrators must be a main staple for anyone else in a sexy scenario. This just isn’t the case.
‘I felt threatened when my partner first mentioned bringing a vibrator into our sex life,’ Emily* confides in me. ‘It felt like I was being replaced, like I couldn’t give them what they wanted on my own’.
Love them or loathe them, sex toys are here to stay. Particularly during the pandemic, when Ann Summers reported a rise of 27% in UK sales since last year.
You may be mulling over how to introduce your favourite clitoral suction toy to your partner without sounding insensitive. Or, maybe you’ve mentioned toys to your partner in the past and they’ve dismissed you. Either way, we’ve got the answers on how to carefully introduce sex toys to your partner – without hurting their self-esteem.
Clear Communication
As with everything else in the bedroom, you have to clearly communicate your wants and needs to your partner. Explain why you want to introduce a toy to your sex. This may require more than one conversation in order for both of you to get on the same page.
While talking through your reasoning behind wanting to use a sex toy, make sure you’re being mindful of your partner’s feelings. Think about the language you’re using – remember, this is a wonderful addition to the bedroom, not a replacement.
Try to strike a happy balance between asserting yourself and bearing your partner’s self-esteem in mind. Communication is a sure-fire way of staying true to your feelings – give your partner space to stay true to theirs.
Reassure Them
Reassuring your partner that they still make you feel good is vital. Like I said, this isn’t an X-rated version of AI. The toy isn’t their replacement. Remind them of the elements you love about your sex life, tell them what you’d like to stay the same. Try to encourage them as much as possible, while emphasising the fact that change can be an amazing thing.
Asking your partner to have their say is one of the most reassuring acts of communication. Giving them options on how to introduce toys to your sex life is a great way to do this. Ask them if there are any toys they’d be happy to start off with, or do some research together. Are there any toys they wouldn’t be happy with trying?
Let Them Lead
So, you’ve got the toy. What now?
Giving your partner control over the toy – if you’re happy with doing so – is an effective way of letting them get comfortable with it. Guide them on the basics, show them your favourite settings and speeds. Then let them use it in whichever way they’d like to. If they want to explore, let them explore! This is a brand new experience for both of you, so really take it at your own pace. Use those communication skills to sensitively let them know when they’re making you feel good, and what they could do to make you feel even better.
Experiment
You may be a pro at using sex toys, but this experience is still very new. Whether you’re using toys with someone different or sharing for the first time, you’re learning to navigate the feelings of a whole extra person. Let that person know they’re not the only novice in the room.
While you’re at it, venture out of your routine to try something neither of you have done before. Whether that’s pushing the boundaries with a new toy, using the toy on your partner, or incorporating multiple toys into your sex. Just remember you’re in this together, and consensual experimentation is supposed to be fun!
Honour Their Choices
Consent can’t be earned by coercion. Your partner reserves the right to say ‘no’, or withdraw their ‘yes’ at any point. There’s a difference between creating an open dialogue and actively trying to persuade them into doing something they don’t want to do. Your partner might have an immovable opinion on sex toys, and this must always be respected.
