Spending Christmas alone has never been pleasant, for anyone. But have you ever thought about wrapping your own Christmas present? Well, I have been doing so since I was 13.
I started working at my local gymnastics centre, coaching people from the age of two to nine so I could afford to pay for my school supplies. My parents were already divorced, and my mother was financially relying on benefits.
I decided then to stop asking for anything, whether that be for school or to go to the corner shop and get a can of coke with my friends on the weekend.
At such a young age, where all you want to do is go and have fun with your friends and be thoughtless, but I was already saving to be able to do my A-levels.
In addition to having to fend for myself, I had to look after my older sister and my two younger brothers.
Buying food, school supplies, sometimes even their sport memberships because my mother insisted on us practising physical activity, but I also bought their Christmas presents and pretended they were from my mother.
However, and rather surprisingly, Christmas has always been my favourite time of the year.
Fast forward to now, living in Tier 4, when millions of people saw their already planned and long-awaited Christmas days with loved ones cancelled all I could think of was how I used to wrap my own Christmas presents to pretend my family would think about me.
Being able to share the Christmas presents I received with my friends or on social media gave me a sense of belonging and helped me feel not so much like the poor kid whose parents could not even afford to buy him a proper jacket for winter.
Within the two days of celebration, I convinced myself those presents were coming from my family, otherwise, I was ending up crying all night thinking of the presents my siblings had got and my parents telling me: “We will buy you something next month, promise.”
However, from the age of 15, I have spent Christmas by myself because it never actually got any better and I have been trying my best to keep my mental health as healthy as possible, therefore, that was the best decision to take. It was not worth the chagrin.
Not only for myself, Noël is that time of the year where everyone comes together to celebrate the end of the past year – whether you were fortunate enough to have a good year or not – but it sort of puts an end to whatever happened; even more so now.
Usually, the end of the year has this magical feel that brings joy to everyone. Seeing all these Christmas decorations installed in the shops’ windows, on people’s houses and the cheerful and caring mood that everyone is in, one can only be nostalgic.
The idea to be spending the festive season by myself does not make me turn into the Grinch. nor does it make me want to run away and hide in my flat trying to avoid social media and everyone’s Christmas stories or posts – though, the latter did happen a few times. But eh, no one is perfect.
It is ok to feel angry and disappointed because I am too.
The frustration that comes with prepping everything for Christmas, whether you are a grandparent, a parent or just you.
Everyone has longed-for to be able to spend time with their close ones. But one thing I never thought I would say, although very happy it has come handy now – is that I am ready to have a brilliant Christmas, pretending I have been sent gifts from my family despite the long-distance; and that I am loved and not forgotten.
My Christmas presents sent from my family in France are already under the tree which I carefully wrapped and labelled as: ‘from Maman’, ‘from Papa’…
It has been a long journey to get here, but here I am.
I would advise anyone to get as many Christmas presents to yourselves as you wish because if there is one thing I learnt; you must always take care of your mental health because no one else will. If that means you must pretend your family or friends have thought of you on Christmas or your birthday and to ensure you are not feeling any type of way other than content, by all means, do so.
I will be behind you, supporting and cheering you on – but do not forget, you are the key to feeling happier because there are no limits nor shame to what you should do to better your mental health.
Help and support are available right now if you need it. You can call a free helpline, here are a few reliable ones:
Samaritans – for everyone, you can call 116 123 or you can email: [email protected]
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – Men’s focus but would not refuse anyone. Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5 pm to midnight 7/7. You can also visit their webchat page
Childline – for children and young people under 19. Call 0800 1111 – the number will not appear on your phone bill, should it need to be kept secret.
If you are having thoughts about harming yourself the NHS website advises to:
- Call your GP surgery – ask for an emergency appointment
- Call 111 out of hours – they will help you find the support and help you need
- Call 999 if you are in danger
- Speak to your supporting team, either therapist or whoever it may be, if you have one.
