Long, dark evenings in lockdown have seen many of us reach for the remote control – escaping the scary, impending world of the pandemic for the warm and comforting distraction of TV.
In spite of its clear misnomer, reality TV has become a favourite amongst those looking for a slice of reverie away from the all too real world, with trashy series such as Netflix’s Bling Empire, ITV’s The Masked Singer and All4’s Married At First Sight Australia becoming national obsessions.
However, in spite of the syrupy, soapy ridiculousness and moments of high (and possibly manufactured) drama, there are certain elements of some reality shows that could be seen in a more problematic light.
Bling Empire, which follows a group of wealthy friends (and frenemies) living their very best lives in Los Angeles, has become a fan favourite due to its lashings of over-the-top absurdity– but fans have been left more concerned about the toxicity of Andrew ‘the Red Power Ranger’ Gray, towards his girlfriend Kelly Mi Li.
One particular event in the series which set alarm bell ringing was Kelly and Andrew’s trip to Paris for Kelly’s birthday. After leaving him to sleep off some jetlag, Andrew then rings Kelly, swearing and screaming at her for not telling him where she was going, and even going as far as trashing the room out of rage.
He then tells her there’s “a huge lack of honour” in their relationship, and accuses Kelly of “hurting” their chances of being together.
The behaviour didn’t go unnoticed by viewers, with one saying on Twitter: “Andrew on Bling Empire is the definition of a gaslighting narcissistic motherf****r.”
“THE GASLIGHTING THAT IS HAPPENING WITH ANDREW AND KELLY IS MAKING ME SO ANGRY,” another said.
Andrew is not the only reality TV star that stands accused of gaslighting.
After their brief and turbulent union on the sixth season of Married At First Sight Australia, Elizabeth Sobinoff lashed out at her ex Sam Ball, accusing him of “gaslighting” her after the show wrapped in 2019. After Sam claimed elements of the show were exaggerated for the cameras, Lizzie replied on Instagram: “You also declaring I was crazy or delusional #gaslighter.”
Gaslighting as a dating term isn’t especially new, with the term entering common parlance in the last decade. From Rosie accusing Adam on Love Island season 4, to the behaviour of Regency rake and all-out f**kboy Lord Hastings in Bridgerton, we’re mostly aware of what gaslighting entails – and are ready to call out perpetrators when we see it on screen. However, the definition has been stretched in more recent years, with gaslighting becoming a catch-all term for numerous toxic and misleading behaviours in and out of relationships.
It’s easier to see gaslighting played out on screen, but if we’re actually caught in a toxic situation ourselves, it’s harder to recognise – particularly as we can get blinded by our feelings for our significant other.
So, here at The Breakdown, we decided it was time we all needed a refresh on what gaslighting is – and what behaviours we should look out for in our relationships.
“Gaslighting is to gain of control and emotional manipulation that seeks to sow the seeds of doubt within someone’s mind,” dating and relationship expert Sarah Louise Ryan explains.
“It often happens slowly and over time, chipping away at someone’s self-esteem, inclusive of but not limited to the perception of themselves and the world around them, Gaslighting can be a conscious or sub-conscious method to gain power within a relationship over one’s partner/someone they are dating.”
Being gaslit in a relationship manifests in a number of different ways, with Sarah citing perpetrators wearing away at their partners’ independence and seeks to become the roots of stability in their life.
“They suggest that you’re spending too much time away from your relationship and your core values and so your ‘you time’ is selfish and indulgent,” she says. “You become entirely dependent on that person.
“Gaslighters want you all to their selves. They don’t like to share you – not with your friends, family or work colleagues. He or she will want all of your emotional attention, your energy and pretty much all of your disposable time outside of your professional life. A gaslighter will want you all to themselves so much so, that they will find a way to make your friendships and relationships with others fall by the wayside.
“They will try to make you feel like it is only they who have your best interests at heart.”
Sarah also points to gaslighters projecting their own behaviours onto their victims as something to watch out for in toxic relationships.
“Perhaps they were unfaithful and you know about it, maybe you just suspect and they suggest you’re going crazy,” she says. “Perhaps things haven’t been as rosy as they normally are and there is a friction between you both (maybe that’s you just trying to pull back your independence) has caused them to go astray – perhaps that’s your fault too.
“Is it? Of course not. You are not accountable to anyone else’s actions other than your own. They might even accuse you of being unfaithful to justify their own actions.”
By creating an environment of confusion, the perpetrators then get to thrive when victims are forced to rely on them most.
“You feel like you’re going crazy. They might even consistently throw labels at you like ‘crazy’ or say that you’re ‘going mad’ or ‘suffocating’ them or that you’re ‘insecure,’” Sarah says.
“The fact of the matter is you are not any of those things but if you’re told enough and over a long enough period of time you will start to believe them. The worrying thing is, what we believe we become.”
As to why people gaslight, be it as a deliberate act of manipulation or as a subconscious desire to gain control, Sarah points to perpetrators likely having low self-esteem themselves.
“More often than not, a gaslighter is insecure on a deep level, and so they prefer to know every detail of your schedule – so they can gauge who / what is a potential threat to a) how you think about them, and b) how you feel about yourself, and anything that will change your perception of reality outside of your controlled relationship environment,” she says.
But whether you feel you’re trapped in a textbook case of gaslighting behaviour, or you have some doubts about your relationship, Sarah urges people to trust their gut instincts.
“We need to step away from the labels and predominantly check in with how our relationship makes you feel,” she says. “You should never compromise on being loved and valued and if you feel less than that something isn’t right. I think we experts need to keep on talking and keep describing relationships that are healthy, happy and fulfilling and those that could do with an improvement on their health and people can identify with that or not.
“Gaslighting is a serious topic and just because it’s a phrase that’s in Urban Dictionary, it doesn’t make gaslighting any less of psychological and emotional abuse within a relationship.”
If you know anyone affected by this you can seek help here: http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/recognising-abuse/