Unless you’re living with them already, chances are you can count the number of times you’ve seen your friends over the last year on one hand. The pandemic has left us unable to pop down to your local coffee shop for a Frappuccino and a catch-up, attend bottomless brunch with your work wives or curl up on an unfamiliar sofa with two bottles of wine, a pizza and a film.
Instead we’ve been thinking of innovative ways to show our mates how much we care about them, and miss them. FaceTime friend-dates where you both look like sh*t, compiling care packages, writing them letters with that new calligraphy kit you bought on a lockdown whim. You could even go as far as to say the pandemic has forced us to get good at sentimentality.
One thing I miss the most is the frank – but fun – discussions we used to have about sex.
These conversations within my circle (shockingly) started with me. They started out of necessity.
‘So, I’ve got this pain… in my vulva,’ I whispered to my now-best friend in hushed tones. We were sitting in the centre of a noise-ridden uni cafeteria. She clasped a hot tea between her hands as I perched my head on mine. ‘I didn’t think I could tell you, because who wants to hear about Vaginismus or Vulval Cancer over a coffee? It just isn’t something you talk about.’
After careful thought, she told me it was silly and that we felt we couldn’t openly talk about these things with our pals. Sex is a healthy, normal part of life. We shouldn’t have to wait until something’s wrong to be able to chat about it, either. The euphemisms we’re bought up with are infantilising and outdated – it’s time to start talking about sex (baby).
This isn’t to suggest that you’re going to feel comfortable with gifting sex toys straight away. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all. You have to take small steps towards freeing yourself from any fear of judgement. Start by throwing the innuendos in the bin – no more ‘doing it’ or ‘down below’ – and see where you can go from there.
For those of you who feel ready to take this step, it can feel tricky to strike the right balance between serious gifting and hen-night-fodder. It’s easy to get lost in laughter while your friend is talking about ordering an eco-friendly dildo, or talking about their allergic reaction to latex-based lube – but really tune in, and see the present potential in what they’re saying.
Making care packages for my friends was a necessary act of love during lockdown. I filled mine with chocolate, liqueurs, bath bombs, sheet masks and mindful colouring books. I even wrote them each an encouraging letter as a nice surprise. During the pandemic, a lot of us have lost touch with our love languages and become neglectful to ourselves. Sometimes it takes a kind word – or gesture – from a friend to get us back on track again. Self-love is the key.
Gifting your friend a sex toy is just a (sadly) unconventional promotion of self-love. Perhaps we can re-define it as the ultimate kind gesture! Orgasms are proven to self-soothe during times of turmoil – they can give you a short-term boost of the ‘happy hormones’ so you feel relaxed, elated and dizzy in love with yourself. Even just for a little while. There never has to be an overtly sexual undertone to sending these gifts, as long as you communicate with them why you’re doing so.
I miss being able to sit around a sticky, canteen table with my circle of friends – pouring over sex toys online and giggling at the prospect of organic vibrators. I miss those deeper conversations involving gynaecologist visits, accidental hook-ups with the exact people we shouldn’t be hooking up with, and those that start with the question ‘is this normal?’
These feel like far-distant memories now, and we don’t know when we’ll be able to reunite again. But keep having those awkward, funny, clumsy conversations virtually. You never know when you’ll need them next.
