Dear Helen,
I haven’t seen or talked to my brother in six years following an argument. How do you recommend repairing a very broken relationship like that?
Dear Disconnected,
Culture and tradition have taught us a lot about how we should treat our families. People love to justify familial toxicity with platitudes like “blood is thicker than water,” and many insist we must keep in touch with, defend, and put up with family — even when we’re miserable — for as long as we live. I hope you know this is not the case, nor is it realistic. Family cannot choose one another; therefore, contention is much more likely than with friendships. Friendships are relationships you choose. People who would probably never speak to one another or congregate can be related by blood and forced to cohabitate or frequently see one another, leading to stress for everyone involved. I will reiterate: you can’t choose your family, but you also don’t need to force relationships with them.
Assuming your relationship with your brother is not one of these better-left-alone blood ties, I would treat reconvening with him the same way you would try to repair a damaged friendship. This isn’t advice anybody wants, but here it goes: if you’re going to fix a friendship, and the other person is not reaching out, you have to suck it up and be the bigger person.
Often when friendships splinter over repairable things, we leave them behind either out of spite or pride. And because we’re ordinary people and not members of a reality TV show cast, we don’t have a production crew forcing us to interact. We can duck phone calls, leave parties early, unfollow and block people, and not show up to events we hear they’ll be at, and we never have to face the music. That’s both the joy and curse of social media — someone can quite literally be dead to us if that’s our wish. But most friendship fights, in my experience, are petty. Family fights are often pettier.
I don’t think you would be asking what you can do to repair your relationship with your brother if he did something truly unforgivable, so I’ll assume the problem between the two of you was, and is, run of the mill. I’m also more than aware that people take things out on those closest to them — that’s just human nature. And it’s forgivable.
So first, count the cost of losing this relationship for good. It’s been long enough that you can either make the first move or choose to let it go and start healing from it. Would there be any repercussions from repairing it? Or benefits? I’d suggest making a pros and cons list.
If it would truly benefit you and him to mend things, make contact. I wouldn’t suggest calling — not only does this put someone on the spot, but it can also sometimes be so jarring and surprising that they may not answer, which will only make you feel negative about reaching out. Depending on who your brother is (and maybe his age), I’d send a text or email. Keep it short and simple: I miss you, and it’s been a very long time. I wish I had handled things differently, and I want you to be part of my life again. What you’re seeking is a resolution, so don’t direct any grievances. Don’t say things like, “I’m sorry you took things the wrong way.” Own up to shit in the way you would want him to own up to you, even if it is an exaggeration. If he was totally wrong all those years ago, you could address it once you have confirmation he wants to resolve things with you.
Suppose your brother responds similarly and hopes to repair your relationship; you can then set up a time to talk. Consider introducing a moderator if you’re super prone to arguing, otherwise set boundaries. If you see one another in person, those boundaries might look something like this: no leaving the room, no shouting, no direct blame, no eye-rolling. Take turns speaking and take accountability. If you expect him to respect the boundaries you’re setting, don’t suggest anything you can’t rely on yourself to do. And express gratitude that he’s showing up at all. If the two of you can figure out the root of your problem or your concerns’ historical sources, you can move forward knowing how to communicate safely. Next, reinforce the permanence of those boundaries if possible. If you both can follow a few simple rules, the chance of future fallouts will lessen.
If you see your brother and realize you don’t forgive him yet, or vice-versa, give yourselves time. And make sure you have both forgiven one another before you convene. Otherwise, you might project resentments onto one another and end up in a worse situation than before. Needing more time is okay as long as you define exactly how much you think you or he, or both of you, will need before moving forward. And always keep your word.
Now you have to make an effort. What’s something you used to do together as kids? If you loved playing sports or video games, maybe suggest a day on the basketball court or a throw-back Mario Kart session. Or you could watch a movie and order pizza. Or cook together! There are infinite possibilities, and the upside of being related is that you probably intimately know his likes and dislikes and are likely bonded over many things. If you have a great memory with your brother, think about recreating those moments. Maybe you went hiking together once and came across a waterfall. Even if the waterfall is symbolic to you, agree to go back to the waterfall.
You need to respect your brother to have a relationship with him. Think about all the things you love about him, all the things that make your brother great. Consider good memories, as I suggested before, and consider his character.
Lastly, be patient. Rebuilding trust and respect takes time and effort that most people aren’t willing to put in — the fact that you are eager to work at your relationship is promising and surely will be well-received by your brother. And remember that being related to someone requires nothing while friendships require loyalty, attention, love, respect, and communication. Blood relationships are nothing without friendships. So while you’re brothers, you should also strive to be friends.