Hey Helen,
I’ve always had issues when it comes to moving on from friendships that I find to be toxic.
I’ve had instances where people have dragged me an hour from home just to hangout in their car while they go f*** someone, I’ve had people start projects with me that they end up dropping without explanation, I’ve even been used as a scapegoat for someone’s relationship with my friend claiming incidents that never happened because they were too afraid to just tell their significant other they wanted to breakup.
A lot of these things have had a negative impact on my self worth and view, I feel like a doormat that people use for whatever they need from me and once they got it I’m left on a shelf until they need something again.
I’ve tried to distance myself from these relationships before but I can never shake this overwhelming feeling that I’m in the wrong for trying to move on.
Do you have any tips or advice for like… I don’t know — loving yourself to get to a point where you don’t feel like an asshole for not wanting to feel hurt or used anymore?
Or is this just how it is, you feel bad for moving on until one day you don’t?
Dear Moving On,
I’m sorry to hear you’ve become the resident punching bag/scapegoat of your friend group. I know the feeling more than I’d care to admit and can assure you most people have been in your shoes at least once.
You are not in the wrong for wanting to move on, nor are you an asshole. Something important to note is that while relationships with other human beings will always have some amount of conflict, too much strife with no concrete resolutions will undoubtedly lead to falling outs. Ask yourself, “Have I communicated my pain effectively?” Some individuals never speak up, and instead they hope, wish, and pray their loved ones will magically read their minds. But life doesn’t work that way, and few of us are mind readers. If something bothers, hurts, or impacts you or your wellbeing, speak up. And while I know it’s not often the norm to reveal discomfort in male friend groups, I can promise you some dudes will be more than willing to talk, and problem solve. Communication, or lack thereof, can make or break a relationship.
If you have communicated your needs and they’re just not being met, that’s another issue entirely. Everybody is human, and friendships can often be messy, but a repeated pattern is a red flag. If you’ve regularly expressed how much your friends’ actions are undermining you, and they proceed, they’re telling you all you need to know. With full knowledge of your feelings, people who mistreat you, all while claiming to love you, do not respect you and likely don’t know what love is.
Do these friends show up for you when sh*t hits the fan? Are they reliable? Can you come to them with outside problems? If you can’t check any of these boxes, I hate to break it to you, but they’re not your friends. Not real friends, anyway. Friendship is not just the physical orbiting of others in communal settings, it’s a series of gestures that demonstrate love and appreciation are ever present. Good friends are loyal, dependable, nonjudgmental, love you through the good and bad, and always have your back. Bad friends don’t respect your time, don’t believe you’re worthy of explanations, and blame their bullshit on you to get out of trouble.
Sound familiar? It should — I just glided through the three situations you outlined in your email as reasons you want out.
Toxic people (barring cases of control and abuse) will treat you how you allow them to. These people may have been able to walk all over you for as long as you can remember, so they’ve never even momentarily considered how you might feel. They may know with certainty you will always forgive them no matter what their transgressions, so they never think too hard about what could upset you. You’ve clearly let your friends get away with a lot, so you must not only rethink friendships but your self-worth in general.
I’m uncertain how long you’ve been in this friend group, but I’ve come across my reasonable share of folks who have been associated with their friend group for so long they feel there’s too much “history” for them to pull back. Because they invested time, they think they need to power through their misery. But if this is your plight, understand you’re wasting time at this point, and your prior investment no longer represents anything good.
You may have simply outgrown this crowd, and every second you spend in the company of characters you resent is time and energy you could be giving to those who truly get you and want to know you. Not people who make concessions because they’re comfortable and you’re around all the time. And certainly not people who only hit you up when they’ve exhausted their options.
A friend once told me you should always feel the same, if not better, after hanging out with someone than you did before, meaning they should match your energy or enhance it. Never drain you of it. I live by this. So if you find yourself being drained, you’re with the wrong people. But you seem to know that already.
Unfortunately, that age-old adage is true: if you can’t love yourself, you can’t expect anybody else to love you. To improve your self-worth, you need to first figure out what you love about yourself. Make a list of all the things that make you outstanding and unique, and read them aloud every morning and night. Spend thirty minutes each day concentrating on positive affirmations; you literally need to convince yourself that you’re an awesome person and deserve better. Because you do deserve better, and there are folks out there who would be lucky to call you a friend. Love yourself and love will flow to you.
You should also make a list of all the traits you want in a friend. What does the perfect friend look like? Do they like going out or staying in? Are they a good texter? Do they like the same things as you? Do you respect how they treat their partners, families, and colleagues? List everything you can think of — no characteristic is too insignificant here. Then list all the things you don’t want in a friend and hold yourself accountable to not fall into old habits down the road.
I’m getting the vibe you don’t share many common interests with your current friend group, so maybe you can focus on meeting new friends who share your curiosities. I know we’re in a series of global pandemic lockdowns, but if social spaces are (safely) accessible to you, don’t waste an opportunity. And if you have any acquaintances that you like but have yet to get together with because you’ve been too occupied with your present social circle, hit them up and ask how they’re doing. If you have an amicable relationship with your family and want to lean on them for support, that option is there as well.
The reason I’m telling you to immediately get out there and talk to people, whether IRL or online, is that when you recognize people like you and enjoy your company, your self-worth will skyrocket. Plus, depending on how you phase out your current friend group, you’re going to be lonely. And I’m not telling you to ghost them or cut them off completely — I’m just letting you know you obviously don’t owe them an explanation if you do.
If you’ve already let your friends know how you feel, I don’t think you need to stand in front of them and read a letter as to why you’re moving on. I also don’t want you to lie — it’ll make everybody feel worse in the end. If you say you want space, that signifies you will be back. If you have no intention of coming back once you break free, be straightforward. The last thing you want to do is give your friend group ammunition to flip all of this on you. And please try not to feel guilty. As much as society doesn’t like to admit it, outgrowing friendships and exiting social groups is a normal and often necessary part of life. Don’t be hard on yourself — the separation doesn’t have to be malicious. You can wish them the best, hold their memories in your heart, and cherish the good times. You’re simply closing one chapter to open up the next.
And here’s the thing: friend breakups are the f***ing worst. You grieve them the same way you mourn the loss of a romantic partner, and they cut just as intensely. That wound will take a while to heal, but please don’t put it off because you’re afraid to feel pain. You’re already suffering, and your friends are responsible for it. You might hurt when you completely let go, but I think you’ll also feel relief and a sense of the self-worth you lost. Nothing indicates newfound self-esteem like letting go of what no longer serves you.
Good luck!
