Eight months into motherhood, it’s something that I’ve been dwelling on for most of it. I don’t feel like a ‘mum’. But I’ve learned, through self-understanding and acceptance, that that’s okay.
When I look at other mums, I see them in full ‘mum mode’: Where motherhood seems to come easily and naturally to them. Like they had always been mothers. Like motherhood is their identity.
Obviously, this was my warped perception.
It was what my anxiety took from what I saw on social media, in a panicked state of ‘Why do I not look like them?’ – which I’m sure was not the whole truth. And even if it was the truth, that’s okay, too.
What I have learned, and what I am continuously reminding myself of (when anxiety days are bad), is that as long as your child is loved, fed, safe, healthy and happy, there is no right or wrong way to be a mum.
What I’ve been feeling guilty about, is that I’m not *just* a mum. I’m my own person.
I’m a daughter, a sister, a partner, a friend. I’m a writer, a musician, someone who tries to make people happy on the internet (sorry if it isn’t working). I am me.
When you become a mother, there is this pressure for your whole being to be that one thing. The mum. The one who does all the childcare, the washing and the cleaning. The cooking and the deciding which clothes to buy that your child is never actually going to wear because they grow out of their outfits far too easily (yes, the latter applies to me).
When you first enter the postpartum period, everything in your world as you knew it changes, as you now have this little person in your life who is totally your responsibility. And it’s a big one.
I love my son to pieces. He is, indeed, my world. He is loved and happy and fed and safe and warm — and the smiliest little boy you will ever meet.
My heart hurts because it is so filled with joy when I watch him learning to crawl and looking around in to explore the home he has lived in for months, but is only just really paying attention to.
The smell of his head is my most favourite thing on the planet, and there is nothing more soothing than having him on my chest as he falls asleep.
And yes, I do book the baby classes and I’m the one who sings and reads to him (though my partner is absolutely great, too).
But a mother isn’t all that I am.
We as mothers still have the same likes and dislikes that we had before. Things might have changed, but plenty of our inner self still remains the same, and I think it’s so important not to throw that away for a completely new identity.
You can be all of the things you have always been and more, while being a good mum.
Being a mother shouldn’t be a competition — but for so long my anxious mind has internally made it one. Though part of me thinks that it isn’t all in my head, having lurked on online mums’ groups, and seen the toxicity that can come with them (though there is lots of good, too).
We all have our own parenting styles, our own desires, our own goals. It’s important not to lose the parts of yourself that you love while adjusting to life as a mother. It’s important not to stop loving those parts, too.
What’s also important — and what I’m still, albeit, learning, is that what we see on social media isn’t the whole truth.
That mother who always seems to get things right could have a hundred anxious thoughts circling around her head every day. She could be looking at your social media comparing herself to you.
I think it’s only normal to compare when you’re new at something, because you want to get it ‘right’. But when it comes to parenting, there is no real ‘right’, as long as you are doing enough for your child.
I’ve been a working mum since I was six weeks postpartum. Both by choice and because of financial difficulties. And I’ve felt so bad for that for so long, despite the fact that I am taking responsibility and making sure I can provide for my son.
But the truth is I like working. I always have, and I always will. It sounds cliche, but writing is in my blood — it’s therapeutic and one of my biggest saving graces for when I’m feeling sad or upset and overwhelmed. Getting my thoughts out onto digital paper takes a weight off of my shoulders.
This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy spending time with my son — of course he always comes first. But I can’t ignore the fact that motherhood hasn’t removed my desire to continue writing.
I’m done feeling bad for not ‘getting it right’. I’m done believing there is a way to ‘get it right’. And you should think about it, too.
If you’re a new mum, know that we are all in the same boat — trying to work out what we’re doing one day at a time. It’s all about simply figuring it out and going with it. When you’re new to motherhood, like I am, there’s a lot to learn, and you can’t do it all in a day.
But while you’re learning, keep up with the things you love. Don’t give up on the person you were, if there is a part of you who misses the things you’ve always been passionate about, because you believe being a mum should be your whole being.
You are allowed to still be your own person. You have feelings and loves and desires and passions and they are all valid. You are valid.
It’s time we stopped worrying about what other mums are doing, and stopped this thinking that we cannot be an individual with our own needs. We just have a little person along the way with us — and that’s an amazing thing to have.
