Living in a world where patriarchy is the norm, being a feminist is undoubtedly difficult. It becomes even harder when you take into account trying to navigate the different strands of feminist thought, and the constant discourse on social media that seems to be coming on from all sides. With social media quickly becoming a platform for performative activism, it can often become draining to keep up with what’s expected of us as feminists all the time. The online world is also quick to pull you down at the slightest chance of what they may see as as a slip up – although there’s some amazing supportive communities out their too – and I’ve heard far too many women around me, myself included share their fears of being a “bad feminist”. But should we even be afraid of being a “bad” feminist to the point where we forget to be ourselves? We got some of The Breakdown Team to weigh in on why they’ve been made to feel like bad feminists and why they’re no longer letting that impact their perceptions of their feminism.
I think it’s impossible to feel as though you’re ideologically faultless but when it comes to feminism, I don’t know a single woman that feels she’s doing it right. We always feel we’re letting the side down in some way, as though there’s a ‘right way’ to be a feminist. I’ve been friends with women who’d make fun of me and give me a hard time for wearing high heels and make up and flirting with men on nights out. It’d make me feel uncomfortable and conflicted about the things I liked doing. I believe all people should have equal access to rights and resources but I also like being chatted up by a sexy man from time to time. I also love a smoothly-shaved leg, expensive skincare and a pair of lacy knickers, but I allowed myself to believe I was letting the sisterhood down for enjoying those things.
I’ve also been made to feel that my feminism isn’t radical enough to count. Crowds make me anxious so instead of attending feminist marches over the years I’ve always donated directly to the organisers. I’m not into virtue signalling, I don’t post about this sort of thing on social media, so I’ve been called a bad feminist for not attending. Other women have made me feel like a traitor to the cause for as little as accepting a seat on the tube or a drink at a bar. But look, I’m five feet tall and I’ve got a bloody gorgeous smile so I’m not about to climb the shelves in the supermarket before I ask a tall man to fetch a few things down for me. Essentially, I don’t think that makes me a bad feminist, but sometimes I do feel that other people will think I’m one. – Emilie Lavinia, Health Editor
I don’t believe I should pay on the first date and this makes me feel like the worst feminist in the world. After a bad experience with a guy who asked me out for coffee a couple years back, I realised that chivalry is dead and I want to bring it back. After being made to walk 10 minutes back to the nearest ATM because I only had my card and the place didn’t take card payments under £5, he didn’t offer to pay for my £2 bag of chips and made us walk in the cold to draw out some money. I’m not against paying my way — in fact I would always offer to split the bill.. but this blatant dodging of chivalrous behaviour really put me off! Whenever I tell anybody this story I feel like such a faux feminist, but feminism has many facets and can’t be arranged neatly into a box. I believe in and fight for women’s rights, equal pay, equality and diversity, so does it really matter if I believe in chivalry? – Mollie Quirk, Home and Interiors
I cheer for all women. I want everyone to succeed. But, sometimes as I’m scrolling through social media I catch myself out feeling jealous of what someone has achieved and wondering why I’m not at that stage, rather than thinking wow how amazing for them! While I know trying not to compare is almost impossible, this does make me feel like a bad feminist. I want to see everyone do well, but sometimes can’t help but compare success – Harriet Prior, Health Writer
I’ve never been great with confrontation, and because I’m quite sensitive I often tend to give in to certain situations because I don’t want to hurt people I care about. Because that often means looking out for people over myself, or not being as loud about my opinions as others around me might be, I sometimes feel like I’m a bad feminist because everyone’s always so loud about their activism all the time. But I’ve also realised that the pressure to be the loudest isn’t a good one, and I’ve come to accept my own way of dealing with issues I see around me.
This is something I’ve spoken about a lot as well, but a lot of people would find it hard to believe I was religious, wore a hijab and was an opinionated feminist. For the longest time, I didn’t think I could even be a feminist because I was religious, and that prevented me from calling myself a feminist for a very long time, because I was scared I wouldn’t be accepted as one. – Anmol Irfan, Culture Editor
With performative activism taking over Instagram, and often co opting its “everything is perfect” narrative, it’s important to recognise that the journey to wanting to do better, and be better isn’t easy in any way. It’s a lot of unlearning, and relearning and coming to terms with all the different parts of yourself. Roxane Gay put it best. “I am a bad feminist because I never want to be placed on a Feminist Pedestal. People who are placed on pedestals are expected to pose, perfectly. Then they get knocked off when they fuck it up. I regularly fuck it up. Consider me already knocked off.”
So this Women’s History Month, here’s a reminder that you don’t need anyone to tell you what kind of feminist you are. The truth is, feminist movements still have a long way to go, and so do all of us, and that’s okay. Good, bad, just because – you don’t need anyone else to tell you who you are or pull your efforts down.