Let me start by saying that I love my housemates. They’re fun, generous, easy-going people who I get along with really well.
With that in mind: I need to not see their fun, generous, easy-going faces for at least a week, preferably two.
I long not to see them in every room I enter. I want to see new people, in new rooms. I want to ask someone what they got up to that day without already knowing exactly how many bowls of cereal they’ve eaten and how many times they went for a wee.
As far as I can tell, this is normal.
We’ve all been stuck in fairly static circumstances since the beginning of the pandemic, and after almost a year we’re itching for some variety to our surroundings and our social lives.
Many of us are craving the unique support of people who we’re unable to see, like a partner or parent or friend group that we’re separated from.
Addiction support groups or clubs for new parents have been cancelled or moved online and our therapists are now just voices on the phone.
All of this contributes to a real feeling of isolation, whether or not there’s somebody in the next room.
It’s easy to feel ashamed of these feelings.
It’s a privilege to have good people around, especially when there are people who have been shielding in place alone for most of this year or longer.
But not everyone who lives with others feels welcome or supported, and it doesn’t serve anyone to pretend that it can’t feel agonising not to see most of the people we love.
If you’re struggling with feelings of isolation- even if you don’t live alone- here are some places to start.
Mix Up Your Virtual Socialising
I know that it feels like we’ve done little else in 2020, but even subtracting your fortnightly family Zoom can push you further into feelings of loneliness.
So try to think of some new virtual activities for you and your loved ones, or plan a call with someone you haven’t spoken to in a while, perhaps a friend who might need company even more than you.
See if there’s any good you can do
You could pop your mobile number through some neighbours’ letterboxes and ask how they’re doing, if they need help with shopping or would fancy a cup of tea in the front garden one day, or sign up to a pen pal program and write letters or cards to people you’ll never meet.
You could donate your time and your money to a local cause or see what nearby food-banks need and pool together with your housemates to put together some parcels.
Doing good is not a cure-all for feelings of depression and isolation, of course, but it can really help to get outside of yourself if you feel up to it. If not, that’s totally okay too. You don’t let anyone down by focusing on your own wellbeing as a priority.
Be in public
I thought it would feel depressing to walk in the park alone and see families and couples all around me while I was feeling at my most isolated. It didn’t. I just saw a lot of people trying their best.
I saw tired parents trying to give their kids a normal weekend, and friends walking together, at a distance, smiling and laughing in spite of the absurdity of it all.
It helped a bit to be out in the world, to remember that we are all living some version of this long, exhausting nightmare, but that there’s still joy to be had.
Feel your feelings
Everything got a hell of a lot easier when I stopped minimising what I was going through.
You can’t talk yourself out of your emotions, but you can do the work to validate and then address them.
It doesn’t make you ungrateful to crave a hug with a parent or a night with your partner or time with a friend just because you don’t live alone. Our suffering doesn’t need to be the worst to be deserving of our own attention and care.
If things get worse, seek help
We will be together again. Our social lives will be diverse and exciting. We will be able to travel and visit friends and family without intense planning and risk assessment.
Brushing by a stranger in public will not always be an anxiety inducing accident. But that’s still a way off, and to get there in one piece we may need some extra support in the form of temporary (or longer term) counselling or therapy, medication, group support or the more focused attention of loved ones.
Tell someone you feel like this, whether it’s a GP or a best friend. Demonstrate to yourself that you’re worth the time and attention it would take to find relief.
