I lost my Mum over a decade ago. Here’s what I’ve learned about living with grief at Christmas.
Mum died suddenly when I was 19. I felt like my world had collapsed in on itself. She had been more than a Mum to me; she was also my best friend. And – just like that – she was gone forever.
It was July. I was fresh out of my first year at University and living 150 miles away from my family with a bunch of people I had only known since the previous September. And, although they were kind, they didn’t know me well enough to understand how much raw pain I was experiencing.
After the initial shock had passed, came a grief so intense that it was overwhelming and often repressed. I simply did not know how to cope with what I was going through. It was unbearable. I lay looking at the skylight each night, crying to music and begging the stars to send her back to me. I thought my heart might physically break.
If you know; you know. And, if you don’t know, I hope you never have to find out.
Over the years, the pain has faded somewhat. But, of course, it still hurts. I’m 30 now.
At a recent psychiatric assessment, I learned that somewhere in the grieving process I got stuck; that I still haven’t properly processed the grief. For the most part the days pass by with only fleeting thoughts of Mum and the pain of losing her.
Of course I miss her. I would still give anything to have her back for just a day. In the 11 years since she died, I am never quite as close to the pain as I am at Christmas time.
Celebrations that are culturally or religiously significant to us often start in childhood and are forever associated with our loved ones. Traditions and habits are passed down generationally and so families establish their own kinds of rituals and festivities, which we grow to associate with nostalgia and a longing for times gone by.
Any kind of disruption to family gatherings, even a new home or change in menu, can be met with scepticism. Having a beloved member of the party missing altogether is heartbreaking. Every family dynamic is unique and every person in that family has a special role that will never be completely duplicated. Adapting is hard.
The first big celebration after losing someone is a challenge for any bereaved family. With Christmas looming and over 67,000 Covid-19 related deaths in the UK alone, thousands of families will be facing up to that challenge in a matter of days. It got me thinking about what I’ve learned about grief over the last decade. At a time when so many of us are about to experience a first Christmas without someone we love, is there anything I can share that might help people get through?
I still remember the first Christmas without Mum. It’s one of those memories that has become so vivid I can almost smell the scene. The build up felt thoroughly uninspiring. I realised that Christmas songs were actually annoying, that shopping for presents was a terrible chore and that spending time with the people I love the most was going to be draining for the first time in my life.
I wanted to be alone. I wanted to ignore Christmas completely and to pretend that it wasn’t happening. I couldn’t see the point in any of it. I felt empty and lonely and disconnected from everyone around me. I felt furious that the world would try to move forward with any kind of normality.
Christmas day had a kind of haze over it. Like a filter or a film or a fog or some kind of substance that kept it ever so slightly out of reach. All I could really think about was the fact that I hadn’t bought my Mum a present that year. I felt guilty and sad and a dull kind of heartache for the whole festive period. And, if I’m honest, I was just glad when it was over.
It wasn’t the last bad Christmas that I’ve had, actually – it wasn’t even the worst, but things have got a little bit easier as the intensity of the grief has faded with time and I have thankfully had some better ones. My relationship with Christmas has changed too.
I’ve stopped trying to recreate my childhood and stopped leaning into the nostalgia and I have tried my best to make the day nice for myself and those around me.
I considered trying to write a “how-to” of coping with grief at Christmas but the truth is that there isn’t a universal answer. There are things you could do to make it about 1% easier, yes, but only you know what those things are.
If you’re getting ready to face your first Christmas since bereavement then it’s going to be hard and there aren’t words in the world that can change that. I am so sorry for your loss.
Please be gentle and forgiving with yourself and those around you and try to remember to add rest and recovery to the top of your to-do list. I hope that you can take some comfort from the fact that I know a little bit about what you’re going through and I can tell you that it does get better – however unimaginable that is today.