Content Warning: This article mentions sexual assault.
When an ex-partner crossed a sexual boundary, my once easy orgasm vanished into thin air, replacing the big o with a painful condition called vaginismus. While clinging to our doomed relationship, I endured painful sex; prioritising penetrative intercourse over understanding and healing the changes in my body. Eventually (and luckily) I refocused and eventually reclaimed my pleasure and evicted the condition from my vagina – here’s how I did it.
But first: what is vaginismus? Mia Sabat, sex therapist at Emjoy, a sexual wellbeing audio app for women, explains: “Vaginismus is the hyperactivity of one or more trigger points located within the pelvic floor muscles. The pelvic floor muscles are constantly contracted. It won’t heal without proper treatment.”
Approximately 2 in 1000 people with vaginas have vaginismus but more could be suffering silently. GP Dr Natasha Lamrie explains, “This is probably a gross underestimate because most [people] do not feel comfortable enough to report it to a health professional. It is probably much more common than we think.” This is backed up by a 2017 UK survey that revealed 1 in 13 people with vaginas reported experiencing pain during penetrative sex.
Before being diagnosed, I struggled to regain control over my once foolproof vagina. I thought it was all in my head, spiralled into depression and believed that orgasms – and penetrative sex – were a thing of the past.
Although causes of the condition vary and research is still limited, many people with the condition link its origin to sexual trauma. In my case, this was a violation of sexual boundaries and for Seraphina Santiago-Block, an advanced holistic esthetician and entrepreneur, it was a sexual assault at seventeen.
However, she did not realise the extent of the problem until attending a pap smear appointment. Santiago-Block says, “I nearly fell off the table because I felt a sharp pain but [the doctor] told me I was just inexperienced.” Her suffering only got worse on Santiago-Block’s wedding night when she felt the “worst pain” of her life: “It was a burning, itching sensation that quickly turned into a stabbing, unbearable pain. My vagina felt raw and his penis felt like sandpaper.”
Similarly, women’s pelvic health specialist Miriam Wolf’s experience of vaginismus began with trauma but was exacerbated by an additional diagnosis of vulvodynia – a condition causing pain, burning and discomfort in the vulva.
Sabat explains that those suffering with vaginismus often get stuck in a rut with the condition. “Trying to experience the slightest bit of pleasure can spur on a vicious cycle: before engaging with sexual activity, the body is already tense with anticipation of pain, and that tension alone blocks an individual from experiencing pleasure.” Sabat continues, “If any sexual activity is painful, the sex-pain association is then validated and reinforced.”
As well as vaginismus, I also experienced dysorgasmia – aka painful orgasms – so even climaxing hurt like hell. With this condition, for a split second after climax it is pleasurable and then the same pulses you experience when orgasming turn into pain: Sabotaging your orgasm with efficient brutality.
To try and help myself, in my next relationship, I stopped focusing on penetrative sex and regained some measure of pleasure. Then, immediately after the relationship ended, following intensive re-explorations of my sensuality, my symptoms vanished completely. Although I occasionally have painful orgasms, there are no more barriers to penetration.
Santiago-Block, who used physical and talk therapy and is now practising celibacy while she continues healing, tells me that “when I was raped my body was responding to the act without my permission so any pleasure after that just made me feel more shame and therefore I didn’t want to feel pleasure.
“After researching my body and all the amazing things our vaginas are able to handle, I eventually stopped associating my vagina as a bad place.” She describes, “I began learning about erogenous zones, exploring what feels good and gave myself permission to feel good.”
By addressing the underlying cause of trauma, undergoing physical therapy and using a variety of other techniques, Wolf is also mostly pain free. Lucy, who used therapy and vaginal trainers, also found her climax again. She tells me, “I can orgasm again, but I still have to do breathing exercises whilst having sex, which can kill the mood sometimes but I’m working on it!”
One breathing technique that can be used to help with penetration goes as follows: While trying not to breathe in using your chest muscles and shoulders, slowly take a big breath in with your diaphragm until your stomach bulges out. Allow your pelvic floor to move outward and downwards towards your feet with each breath.
Although I once thought that pain-free orgasms and penetration were an impossible dream, I successfully snatched my pleasure back from the jaws of trauma. Penetrative and partnered sex is no longer scary and sex is better than ever, because I can confidently teach my new partners how to get me off and my vagina remains spasm free.
In some ways I am thankful – pains aside, this condition highlighted the flaws in my past relationships and provided an opportunity to get to know my body better than ever by exploring new avenues of pleasure.
