When I was in the throes of Vaginismus, I remember reading up on incorporating mindfulness into the bedroom. I was 19 years old. I felt alone, terrified and at a total loss with my sexuality. Dilating and Kegel exercises were helping me, slowly, to overcome the disorder. But I needed something more.
I started to educate myself on tantric sex – a calming practice which is often recommended by psychosexual therapists to help with anxiety, trauma and Vaginismus itself. With time and practice, I began to treat my disorder through deep breathing and clearing my mind while attempting to masturbate with penetration.
Two years on, and I can safely say it worked wonders for my bedroom anxiety. But what exactly is tantra, and how does it help with mental health?
What Is Tantra?
Tantra is the first cousin of yoga and mindfulness – in fact, they each originate from India! The word ‘tantra’ comes from Sanskrit, and literally means ‘to weave’. Tantric sex isn’t about having a five-minute quickie in your mum’s downstairs loo – it’s slow, sensual, explorative and experimental. The practice is centred around connection, ‘weaving’ energy between a partner, multiple partners or simply solo. Just like yoga, you practice tantra with intention; conducting every slight breath, caress, moan and kiss with purpose. In a similar vain to mindfulness, you act as the observer during tantric sex. You’re not trying to change anything, or re-direct your thoughts. You watch on as they pass by, acknowledging them and how they make you feel. According to Healthline, every action creates physical, emotional and spiritual awareness – which is great for living in the present.
Tantra is about exploring pleasure, rather than achieving it. You wouldn’t take one yoga class and expect to reach enlightenment; and it’s the same with orgasm. Taking everything at your pace, you play around with your 5 senses to see what makes you tick. This could mean certain ways of touching yourself (sexually and non-sexually), a specific track that gets you going, the way you look at your partner, the way they taste or the aromas that surround you. Tantric sex encourages you to use mindfulness in order to achieve self-harmony – each of these small elements bring you back to yourself, and make you feel more in-tune with your mind.
How Does Tantra Work?
You want to feel as comfortable as possible while engaging in tantric sex, especially for the first time. Creating a safe space for yourself, your partner or partners to experiment free from discomfort is the main thing. With that being said, don’t let awkwardness put you off!
Sex can be an otherworldly experience – but let’s not dispel the fact that it can be clumsy, stiff (in all the wrong places) and laughable at times too. The key component of any awareness practice is not to come in with expectations.
As well as emotional comfort, you want your surroundings to put you at ease too. Remember to incorporate the senses into this! Dim the lights, ignite some candles and low-key fairy lights for that richly intimate feel. Stick on your sex playlist at a low volume, and make sure the temperature is just right. Lay out some cushions and blankets if you’re planning to practice on the floor, and light your favourite incense to fill the room with a gorgeous scent.
Getting Down To Business
There is no set menu for practicing tantric sex – you aren’t expected to massage for 10 minutes, perform oral for 15 minutes, have P-in-V sex for 3 minutes before climaxing for approximately 10.5 seconds. This practice is unique to every single person – as long as you’re living in the moment, you’re free to get up to whatever you like.
Bear in mind, however, that tantra is all about the importance of intention. The pre-game rituals are just as vital as the sex itself. You may want to take some time out beforehand to meditate on the practice – write a journal entry about it, quietly reflect on it or focus on some controlled breathing. If you’re playing with a partner or partners; make sure you’re clearly communicating your intention for the practice and if there are any boundaries each of you may want to put in place (if one of you would like to keep your clothes on, for example).
Once you’re in your safe space, you can explore however you may want to. Intentional touch is always a great place to start. Whether you say it with a massage, a gentle caress with your hands or with your tongue; make sure it’s confident, purposeful. Remember that tantra is about the journey, not the destination.
Make sure you’re focusing on your breathing the whole time, taking deep breaths if you’re on your own – or try to match your partner’s breathing patterns. Ensure that you’re not suppressing any emotions that come up during the practice. If you want to cry, cry!
Redefining Sex
Sex can place an awful lot of pressure on our mental health. Are we having sex the right way? What if something embarrassing happens? What if I’m not very good at performing a certain sex act?
Tantra is helpful in dismantling our structured expectations on formulaic sex – perhaps a belief we’ve held for many years. With no end goal of orgasm, we’re free to define sex in a way which suits us. While suffering from Vaginismus, tantra helped me to re-define sex as ‘any intimate touch which brings me pleasure’ at a time where penetrative sex only brought me pain.
Sex could incorporate the feeling of being naked with the person (or people) you trust the most. It could incorporate the steamy shower you take beforehand, or the indescribable way they look into your eyes, filling you with love. It could simply mean oral, or the touching of your erogenous zones.
The best part is, no-one can tell you whether you’re ‘right or wrong’, because those concepts don’t exist in the world of tantra.
