Being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness can be hard. But when you both have a mental illness? That’s a different story.
For some, it’s harder, because you’re both struggling, and you can have problems knowing how to help each other. But for others it’s easier, because you’re being loved by someone who totally understands.
Whether you’re at either end of the spectrum, there are ways to ensure your relationship works long-term. Here’s how.
Communication is key
When you both have a mental illness, it’s important to talk about how you’re feeling. When you’re struggling, this can be hard, as many close themselves off from their emotions. But like in any relationship, communication is key – and the only way your partner will know how to help you is if you explain what’s going on. Sit them down and talk to them about what you’re going through. Be completely honest with them. And don’t attack them for how they react (unless they’re incredibly negative towards you, of course).
Dating someone with a mental illness means they also have experience, and so may be able to offer you advice that a person without a mental illness can’t. But be mindful that you both handle things in different ways, and what works for them might not work for you – but be appreciative of good advice anyway. Talking about what’s going on takes a weight off of your shoulders and allows you to reflect on what’s going on. Even if they are unable to help, at least they are able to comprehend how you are feeling and will be more accepting of why your behaviour has changed.
Be mindful of each other’s struggles
Just because you both have mental health issues does not mean you are going through the same experiences, you may be able to relate to one another, but your feelings are your own. They’re unique. So, don’t compare yourselves to each other. And don’t undermine one another. If your partner is going through something, allow them to feel how they are feeling without comparing your own experiences to them, as they may end up feeling as though you are in competition with them, or as though their own experiences aren’t valid. Of course, there will be times when you may be going through the same thing, but make sure your partner, and yourself, both feel entitled to your own feelings.
Do your research
If you are both living with the same illness, it’s likely you have already done your research. But if you’re not, it would be helpful for both of you to learn about what each of you are diagnosed with. For instance, if you have depression and your partner has bipolar disorder, it’s worth both of you reading up on what the other is going through, so that you have a better understanding of their actions, feelings and ways you might be able to help them.
Take a break when you need it
This doesn’t mean break up with them, of course. But when you’re both suffering – especially if you’re both going through a bad patch at the same time, things can become a bit overwhelming. And so, if you need a few days away for yourself, or just want to go and spend time with family, go and do it. It’s good to catch a break sometimes and relax.
Apologise and make amends
When you have a mental illness, you can sometimes say things you don’t mean that can be upsetting to your partner, and vice versa. If this happens, own up to your behaviour, apologise and make amends – much like you would in a relationship without mental illness. It might be caused by your mental illness, but don’t let your illness take the blame. Take accountability for your actions and accept if your partner doesn’t want to forgive you just yet. Things take time. In all healthy relationships – not just ones where mental illness is involved – it’s important that if you say something upsetting, you let your partner know that you are sorry, because this shows that you are acknowledging your own actions, and that you care about your partner enough to do so.
If you are in an unhappy relationship where you are both suffering with mental illness, it’s important that you really sit down and think about whether it’s right for you. It can be upsetting when illness is involved, and break ups are very hard, but if it’s not working, it’s not working. Don’t stay in something that’s unhealthy for you, because you fear how it might affect the mental health of the person you are with. You need to care for yourself, too. And if it’s worsening your mental health, it’s not worth it.