Saying that returning to sex after going through trauma is difficult is an understatement. It’s a journey that you have to tread carefully, because when someone experiences trauma, usually their brain changes red alert for danger signs in situations where there may be none.
Dr Siobhan McCarthy, a couple and family therapist, explains that “any similarity to the original trauma will trigger a phobic fear response, or make someone hyper-vigilant to any threats around them.” She continues, “The person may become more jumpy or sensitive to certain types of touch.”
For that person, the more the present circumstances seem similar to the original trauma, the stronger the emotional fear response will be. They may move into a “fight or flight” response – but there is a third reaction too, which is the freeze response. This occurs as a result of being triggered by a previous similar trauma, and leads a traumatised person to emotionally shut down, get angry, reject their partner or attempt to leave the situation.
How Do You Know When You’re Ready?
Stella Anna Sonnenbaum, a sex coach, also reinforces the importance of setting boundaries. “It’s important to take time. Pacing needs to be learned – we need to be aware of our body’s yes and no responses.” She continues, “With a new partner, I would suggest to go super slowly, and manage expectations. Body awareness, boundary training, and the ability to say no are crucial skills.”
Trauma can lead people to experience mental health issues such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety and depression. “Knowing when you are ready can be tricky. For some people their desire to have sex never wanes but for other people, trauma can cause our sexual parts to get locked away in a little box somewhere and it can be hard to reconnect with that part,” says Marchant.
She describes that this depends on the types of trauma experienced but can also be influenced heavily by the messages we receive about sex growing up, often unrelated to trauma. “I would suggest experimenting on your own to notice how your body responds to touch, fantasy, sex toys if that’s your thing. Lube can be a useful resource for self pleasure to help change the sensations and friction and to help the body when it can’t lubricate itself.”
“Sexual trauma,” Marchant goes on, “means having our power and boundaries and voice taken away from us. When it comes to reclaiming our sexual selves it’s crucial that we feel empowered to take our time, speak up and let others know our boundaries. For some people the journey back to this place is one they can do on their own however if these things feel completely alien or impossible to you, don’t suffer in silence. It is not surprising that trauma prevents us from doing these things, however change is possible.”
What About Starting A New Relationship?
“When getting into a relationship, communication is key,” Dr Nichola Marchant, a chartered clinical psychologist, sex therapist and coach says. “In order to be able to communicate we need to have a sense of what we like and don’t like, what are definite no’s and what things are likely to trigger us. To communicate effectively with a partner, we need to feel safe, which we know can be difficult for trauma survivors.”
It’s also important to remember that it is okay to consent to something one day and not want to do it another day. Moali elucidates the importance of talking, “Having an open communication is key. Choosing a safe word to stop the activity at any point is also vital.”
McCarthy stresses the importance of taking sex at your own pace, “If you begin to have a fear response, flashbacks, or in any way feel uncomfortable, it is best to pause any sexual activity, to calm down, and emotionally realise you are not back in that trauma experience.”
She goes on to explain that “partners need to be really patient and allow their partner to take control of the initiation or the speed of any sexual activity.”
When Should You Try Again?
“When it comes to initiating or engaging with sexual intimacy, it is important that the traumatised person themselves feels ready to re-engage in sexual activity. It is vital that the person does not feel under any pressure.” McCarthy describes, “If put under pressure, they may have a fear response or become overly compliant, which may be against their will. As a partner in this instance, you need to check out clearly that your partner is sexually willing and gives consent otherwise it will build fear, further trauma or long-term resentments.”
She finishes, “The traumatised person should be encouraged to share anything that feels uncomfortable or unsafe to them.” Essentially, the onus on making a sexual experience viable after a traumatic experience is not just down to the survivor, but their partner needs to take an active role in helping them through it too.
Dr Nazanin Moali, clinical psychologist and sex and relationships expert, says it is necessary to take time to process your thoughts and feelings so as not to be stuck in the past. “An essential aspect of this process is seeking professional help and attending a survivor’s group, which will allow you to have a safe space to address your emotions as they surface.” Moali advises. ”Another benefit of this approach is that you will not over-rely on your partner for emotional support. It is also useful to consider whether you would like to disclose your trauma to your partner or not.”
As Moali points out, it is totally the decision of the survivor as to whether or not they want to disclose their situation. Not doing so is as valid as doing so, but Moali explains that “even if you choose to talk about it with your partner, it is completely up to you to decide what and how much to disclose. Especially with new partners, you may require time to build trust prior to feeling comfortable talking about your trauma.” Remember: you do not owe your partner an explanation or the full story.
