Did anyone else grow up with the misunderstanding that penetration is central to sex? In fact, that penetration was the only viable way to have sex?
I had this conversation more often than I’d like to admit as I entered into my twenties:
“Did you have sex with (mystery man)?”
“Well, he gave me oral for a while.”
“So you didn’t have sex then, did you?”
As a vaginismus sufferer, this was frustrating to hear. I wasn’t able to engage in penetrative sex for years – but I was still sexually active. I didn’t consider myself a ‘virgin’. Penetration isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex. In fact, a significant number of people with vaginas struggle to orgasm through penetration alone (no matter how good you say you are), so we need to look at some amazing alternatives.
Luckily, you’ve come to the right place. This is a no-b*llsh*t patronising phrase (I mean, ‘outercourse’? Come on!) free-zone.
Veto The Word ‘Foreplay’
One of my least favourite words in the dictionary of sex is ‘foreplay’. The implication here is, of course, that anything non-penetrative is simply the starter. Oral sex, use of sex toys and mutual masturbation have historically been dismissed from the definition of sex.
In reality, sex is whatever you make of it. Penetration may not be a viable option in your situation for a number of reasons – so whatever gets you off, make it the main course.
Our emphasis on a linear sexual routine (foreplay, penetrative sex, orgasm and aftercare) places too much pressure on people to enjoy penetrative sex. If you prefer mutual masturbation without the add-ons, that’s your version of sex. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise!
Use Sex Toys
Penetrative sex toys do exist – but it’s a misnomer that all vaginal sex toys are used for internal stimulation. While internal vibrators and dildos can be a lot of fun, there are plenty of non-penetrative sex toys out there for you to try. Clitoral stimulators are all the rage right now and encourage experimentation with different positions. You can sit on them, ride them, or simply lay back and enjoy them. From suction vibrators to magic wands and beyond, you can maximise your pleasure without needing to lay a finger on (well, in) your vagina.
Penile and anal sex toys are available, too. Cock rings can be incorporated into mutual masturbation, or you can sit back and let your partner(s) put on a show for you. They can be a great way to explore your body, or the body of your partner(s). They’re fun, funky and feel amazing.
Try Tribbing/Grinding
There’s nothing like genital-on-genital contact, if we’re being real here. It feels intimate on another level, certainly if ‘teasing’ drives you wild. The fact is, you can bring your partner to orgasm by using your genitals, without needing to resort to penetration. If you like to grind or trib – aka as scissoring – before getting down and dirty with penetration – that’s your thing, and that’s valid! But you can easily stimulate your genitals by rubbing them on your partners’ genitals, too.
Admittedly, this requires a bit of experimentation. Not every position will work for everyone – just like penetrative sex. But once you’ve found that sweet spot, there’s no going back!
In a survey taken in 2015, a mere 18% of people with vaginas claimed they were able to orgasm from penetration alone. Non-penetrative contact with other genitals, along with mutual masturbation, encourages you to focus on other possible orgasm-triggers. Labia minora and clitoris stimulation is the most sure-fire route to orgasm-ville. Population: you.
Practice Tantric Sex
Tantra is all about feeding on each other’s energy. The intense intimacy of penetrative sex can be easily recreated with mindful touch. Really concentrating on touching your partner(s), exploring your senses and enjoying the journey (rather than the destination) can totally re-work our understanding of sex. Tantra isn’t about what we feel obligated to do – it isn’t about pre-imposed responsibility. It encourages living in the moment, focusing on how we feel and what we want. Penetration never has to come into it!
Focus On Your Pleasure
This is your sex. Focus on what makes you feel good. As queen Jessie Ware says, ‘what’s your pleasure’? Never feel obliged to follow that linear pattern we spoke about earlier.
Penetration isn’t a necessary part of sex. Some people are adverse to it because of disorders like vaginismus, some people find anal sex uncomfortable, and some people simply find it boring. Whatever your reasoning – if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it.
As usual, communicate this with your partner. They’ll often agree that if you’re not getting a kick out of it, then there’s no point in doing it. You know your body better than anyone else, so always prioritise the elements of sex that make you feel good.
