How many times have you picked up a magazine and seen the words ‘how to have (or give) a mind-blowing orgasm’ splashed across the cover? And how many times have you flipped to the article only to find a series of wild and woolly tips comprising cupping, humming, pennies and grapefruit that leave you none the wiser? Plenty, right? It’s ok, this isn’t one of those articles.
Many people find it difficult to orgasm, whether consistently or in particular circumstances. A lot of this has to do with mental health – stress, anxiety, body image, intrusive thoughts, shame, guilt, expectation – the mind is as much a brake as a catalyst to gratifying and enjoyable sex.
But the acts of sex and of experiencing an orgasm are among the best tools for natural and self-sufficient stress relief available. So how do we get around the mental health issues that block our access to physical pleasure?
Unpack your biases about sex
In order to experience pleasure in the most relaxed and natural way, we sometimes have to do a little unlearning of the things we think we know. Thoughts like ‘I should look or sound or feel like this’ can undermine our connection with pleasure so it’s vital to spend time thinking about why you think the way you do about your sex life, your body or your partner’s opinions, and how biased your thought processes about sex and orgasms might be. Are these views at odds with what actually feels good to you?
Many people experience a discord between their own physical pleasure and their views on sexuality and gender. Victorian Christian morality still has a tight hold on the way we discuss and learn about sex and this often means we equate pleasure with feelings of shame, embarrassment and disgust.
A large number of women still believe that enjoyment of sex will make them appear ‘slutty’ to their sexual partners, or that an orgasm is not something that one can expect but something one should hope for. Of course, this isn’t helped by the likes of comedians cracking wise about male ineptitude and the female orgasm, mainstream media slut shaming women and vilifying sex work, or more insidiuously, some writers positing that a woman touching herself during sex is offensive and unecessary.
In order to experience pleasure fully and without bias, a ‘blank slate’ approach helps. Of course, we can’t unlearn everything we believe in a single afternoon, but we can challenge those beliefs and focus, instead, on the physical sensations of pleasure and not the emotional feelings of guilt and shame that we associate with pleasure.
Use your imagination
The well-known phrase ‘the brain is the most erogenous zone’ is pretty lame but it’s not untrue. Your mental state is the key to reaching orgasm, and also to achieving your best and most stress relieving orgasm ever. Anxiety is the number one factor that prevents most people from making it – be that anxiety over the way your partner perceives you, anxiety over sensation, finishing too quickly or not being able to finish at all.
Working through this anxiety by challenging your anxious and intrusive thoughts and replacing them with positive thoughts will help to relax your mind and body so you can focus on experiencing pleasure. For example, if you’re feeling tense and your mind is filled with thoughts about whether or not you look sexy or whether you’re doing things right, instead, turn your attention to the fact that the person you’re getting off with is literally having sex with you at this moment, they think you’re hot, they want you, the two of you are doing stuff, this moment is literally so sexy.
Imagine yourself as the guardian of pleasure – you giveth and taketh away, which do you choose? Use your inner monologue to coach yourself positively, turn yourself on or repeat a soothing, sensual mantra to yourself – it sounds insane but really works. Your internal voice and thoughts are entirely your own so use them however you like.
Remember to breathe
At the risk of making this sound like a yoga class, breathing properly during sex and solo play is pretty essential to the body’s ability to relax and experience pleasure. When we feel anxious, we often hold our breath, restricting a healthy oxygen flow to our brains. Or if we’re doing some cardio-intensive sexual activity, we hyperventilate, breathing rapidly and making our bodies feel tired and ready to give up.
By breathing slowly and deeply and practicing this whenever you can, your body will find it easier to relax, oxytocin and dopamine will be released more easily and your focus on the physical act of breathing will encourage you to focus on physical feelings of pleasure and less on what’s going on inside your head.
You don’t have to be having sex or masturbating to do this, you can start familiarising yourself with controlling your breathing anywhere at any time. Take deep breaths in and out through your nose, practice tensing your abs and glutes to provoke different sensations and orgasmic simulations in your body. Get familiar with doing pelvic floor exercises, and softly touch different parts of yourself while breathing deeply.
Dependent and compulsive thinking
Some people point blank say they find it impossible to even feel turned on, let alone cum when taking anti depressants. But there’s more at play here than just the side effects of your SSRIs. ‘I can’t because I’m on this drug’ is a common place to arrive at if you’ve noticed your libido drop while using a particular medication. But often, this thought process can foster a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The sort of ‘I can’t because’ or ‘I can’t unless I’ obsessive compulsive thinking that we often experience when feeling anxious is usually what stands between you and your ability to orgasm, far more than the serotonin supply in your brain being inhibited by your meds.
WhenI first started taking medication for mental health, I didn’t have sex for a year, let alone enjoy an orgasm, because I got so caught up in my anxiety about sexual failure. My thought process was something a little like this –
“This medicine has killed my sex drive. I’d like to have some sex but I don’t really want it. If I did have it it would just be uncomfortable anyway because I get so tense and don’t feel turned on enough, so it wouldn’t be enjoyable and I wouldn’t have an orgasm. And if I wanted to do it with someone we’d have to do it in exactly the way I want to, and the person I’m sleeping with probably wouldn’t want that and would be weirded out, and I’d be too embarrassed to ask so what’s the point? I won’t bother.”
I was able to start having sex again because I focused on physical sensations like breathing and tensing my muscles, on the physical pleasure of sex and solo play, taking my time and putting myself in the driver’s seat, rather than allowing my thoughts to dictate what the inevitable outcome would be. Of course, this didn’t happen overnight, it took a while, but like anything it got pretty good with practice.
Orgasms are the OG relievers of stress
We are in our most relaxed and unanxious state during and post orgasm. Oxytocin and dopamine – the hormones and neurotransmitters responsible for pleasure, bonding and happiness – are released when the body orgasms. The pain threshold is also lowered and certain parts of our brain simply cease to function, for example those associated with memory and decision making, generally exacerbators of anxiety.
Such is the level of calm and slowness in the body after experiencing it, that artists refer to orgasm as ‘la petit mort’ or the the little death. It’s almost as if the orgasm was purpose-built for achieving a sense of chill, free from the worries that plague us day to day. However, it takes a certain level of worry-free thinking to get to that point. Experiencing that level of physical pleasure isn’t a fluke, it’s journey, one that you’re in control of.
Think about it. It’s your body, your mind, you’re in the driver’s seat. You might not get there instantaneously and there are myriad factors which will affect your ability to reach that point, but purposeful positive thinking, a focus on and enjoyment of the physical sensation and the ability to park and put down biases, can enable you to learn to reach that place whenever you feel like it. Just knowing that you can do that is a step in the right direction.
