When we find ourselves in the position of helping and supporting someone who has been bereaved by suicide, we can really struggle because we don’t always know the right things to say or do. We may even hesitate to trust our own instincts for fear of causing more anguish and therefore back off. A suicide can leave a silence for those left behind. Silence because people don’t know how to help.
With World Suicide Day Prevention Day on 10th September, perhaps this is a good time to try and understand a little more about how you can make even the tiniest difference. There is no rule book but there are things that you can learn so that you can step forward and be a helping presence.
Why is suicide bereavement different?
Suicide is a completely devastating experience and brings its own challenges for those left behind. The grief can be complicated and long-lasting, immersed in punishing self-talk. You are dealing with someone who is desperately trying to turn back time and re-write the past to prevent what has happened.
Left with no answers and a huge ‘why?’ can leave feelings of shame and guilt at not seeing the signs, creating a torturous loop of self-doubt and questioning. It is a struggle to cope with the loss and the traumatic and sometimes violent circumstances of the death.
We need to show we care
Don’t be afraid to show your concern. Don’t avoid people because you don’t know what to say or do or be afraid to mention the name of the person who has died. Most people want to and need to talk about that person, share moments of the relationship and their feelings around the loss. When someone we love dies, we become preoccupied with them, sometimes to the exclusion of all else, therefore one of the healthiest things you can do is encourage them to talk. That you have mentioned their name can be a great source of comfort. There is a lifetime of memories bubbling up and one of the best things you can do is to encourage sharing those memories in whatever way helps.
Encourage them to talk
Talking about something makes it real and puts things in their place. Yes, it’s good to talk but it is also
important to have the right ‘ears’ around you. People you feel safe with, who won’t judge or criticise or try to change how you feel. We always feel better after we have talked if we feel heard. If someone feels that they can talk to you about anything and come away from you with their self esteem intact and feel that they have had a confidential sounding board, this can go a long way in being an outlet when things become challenging for them.
Encourage them to talk – if sadness is kept withheld it can override all the joy in a person’s life and the legacy of love becomes lost.
But it’s important to listen too
Become a great listener …. and that means don’t jump in with your own opinions or comments. So often in conversation we are so busy thinking about what we want to say rather than really listening to the words the other person is speaking. When someone is talking about their grief, they are making a statement. They are having a one way conversation. Please just accept their words and feedback to show you have listened. Allow for little silences in the conversation for thoughts to occur and realisations to materialise.
We cannot judge that which we do not know
Suicide is the harshest answer to any kind of problem. There should be no judgement against the person who has died or against their loved ones and friends. The truth is that often there are no signs and we have to accept the things that are out of our control and make a concerted effort to make a difference in the areas that we can.
Don’t debate whether something is right or wrong or whether feelings are good or bad. Always be honest and direct with your words. Use no platitudes. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide and above all, be non-judgmental and don’t lecture on the value of life.
Never start a sentence with, “At least …”.
Open your heart
Be patient. Accept whatever reaction they show. Grief has many expressions. Please do not judge. Just be there with open, loving acceptance. You don’t need to lead them through their grief or take it away, just accept the changes and emotions it brings and above all keep listening.
Practical help is invaluable
Be practical. Don’t ask if they need something doing. Just do it and make a commitment to see it through. Help them make a list of things they may need help with and allocate duties to relatives and friends. There is something very healing about helping others in times of need.
We do not grieve in stages
We often hear about the stages of grief and it would be encouraging to think that we do go through certain stages and come through the other side stronger and wiser. At least that would give us some semblance of what to expect. However, grief is much more unpredictable than that and we don’t always follow stages, even though we may share similar emotions to others and no two people will react to the same loss in the same way.
Often it can take weeks or months for the reality and deep pain of the loss to sink in. There are several factors involved in how we cope: who we are as people; the things we learned about loss as children; where we are at in our lives and, of course, the nature of the relationship with the person we have lost.
Extra support
When they withdraw, don’t try and force change. Grief can be silent too. Grief changes in intensity minute by minute. If you feel that there is too much withdrawal, it may be time to find someone with experience or a professional who can help to unravel their thoughts and provide some hope. Also, it can be a great support to them to reach out to others who have suffered a similar loss and to hear other people’s experiences of suicide. This can help to reduce feelings of isolation.
Moving forward
Be aware of the difficulty of approaching birthdays and the anniversary of death – don’t just be there in the early days and disappear when it looks as if life has returned to normal. It hasn’t. Keep in touch, keep talking and keep sharing.
Never say ‘It’s been long enough’ or ‘It’s time you pulled yourself together’. Grief is not an event on a calendar that passes. It is timeless. The more you encourage someone to talk about their loss, the easier it becomes to find pleasure in the memories and the scales can begin to balance. Be there through the darkest days no matter how long they last.
Remind them of the positive parts of their relationship, even writing down a list as a beacon when their focus rests on the negative.
Professional support
If you are affected by suicide it is vital that you share your thoughts with someone you trust. Talking to the right person can help with the isolation of suicide grief. A lot of our grief is tied up with fear because we don’t understand suicide and can be seriously affected by the violence of it.
Papyrus UK Suicide Prevention | Prevention of Young Suicide
Tel 0800 068 4141
https://supportaftersuicide Tel: 116 123
Young Minds
Text : 85258
Lianna Champ has over 40 years’ experience in grief and bereavement counselling and is author of practical guide, How to Grieve Like A Champ
