It’s not uncommon to desire and strive towards perfection. The society we live in encourages competition and forces productivity. Social media heightens the need to have the perfect style, the best job, take the best Insta pics, and get amazing grades. It is not surprising that we compare ourselves to others and feel the need to be achieving great things all of the time.
Going into the first lockdown, there were so many conversations about how we should spend this extra time at home. Productivity became glamorised and we were told to work on dream projects, learn an instrument, have the perfect workout routine, and learn new skills.
And whilst having a routine and clear goals may be beneficial for some, this mindset can start to become toxic.
As children we are constantly seeking validation from influential people in our lives. We want to please our families, our teachers, and our peers. At school we would constantly be compared to classmates in our performance and our results.
Being a high achiever with a desire to reach certain goals isn’t the problem. Perfectionism is.
People who seek perfection tend to have a strong, often obsessive, desire to be flawless. But rather than focusing on being good at things, they fear not being good enough. For perfectionist’s failure means they are worthless. They worry about what other people may think of them and constantly seek reassurance, which will only provide temporary relief.
The search for absolute perfection simply does not exist. Perfectionism can become an extremely toxic mindset that can cause depression and anxiety, leaving people paralysed with fear.
Clinical psychologists, Dr. Paul Hewitt and Dr. Gordon Flett are the most respected researchers of perfectionism. Through their work they have identified three main types. The first is ‘self-orientated’ where someone seeks perfection from themselves. Then there is ‘other-orientated’ which seeks to hold others to high standards. Finally, socially prescribed which centres around a desire to live up to other people’s expectations.
The latter is thought to have the most harmful effect on mental health. Socially prescribed perfectionists believe that other people expect them to be perfect and that if they fail, they will be faced with extreme criticism. As perfectionism is impossible, those who have these tendencies often believe they are constantly failing and letting everyone down.
As we get older, the desire to compare oneself to others becomes complicated. Our achievements are more subjective and, for perfectionists, this can be difficult. Therefore, internal pressure is likely to increase as we try to avoid failure and judgement. This fear may lead to procrastination, as delaying difficult tasks also avoids failure.
These habits lead to constant self-doubt and insecurity where people base their self-worth on what they accomplish.
So here are some small tips to help you overcome toxic perfectionism:
Keep a journal.
This may seem unhelpful, but writing down your thoughts can help to re-frame the way you think about things. Paying attention to our beliefs and challenging negative patterns can help us become less self-critical.
Practise self-compassion.
I know we are all fed up with Insta posts telling us to love ourselves. But it’s undeniably important. Being kind to yourself can take the pressure off and help you to stop placing your self-worth onto the expectations of others. Notice the ways in which you speak to yourself, and when the voice in your head starts to spiral, catch yourself and replace it with words of kindness.
Practise gratitude.
Making lists of things you like about yourself and things you are grateful for, outside of personal accomplishments, can help re define your self-worth. It will also help you celebrate positive moments and be appreciative.
Avoid over-procrastination.
Rather than delaying or abandoning tasks altogether in fear of failure, try to break projects down into small steps. Make sure to take breaks, look after yourself, and give yourself rewards for whatever you manage to do.
Mindfulness and meditation.
Taking time to check in with your thoughts and take a step back can transform your way of thinking. Not only can it help in reducing stress and anxiety it can help you take time for yourself and reevaluate what matters.
Therapy.
If you find your perfectionism is having serious impacts upon your mental health, then speaking to your GP and asking for therapy may be the best step. Seeking help and getting support is a sign of strength and can be extremely beneficial.
It is important to remember that no one is perfect, and all you can do is your best. Once you realise this, you can begin to overcome self-criticisms and learn to be kinder to yourself. Lowering your standards and goals doesn’t mean that you must become careless and unmotivated, but it can help you do the best you can and feel proud of yourself.