Learning to prioritise my mental health when I suffer from both physical and mental illnesses has been no easy feat.
I have cystic fibrosis, a chronic illness that causes my lungs and digestive system to become clogged with thick sticky mucus which will eventually lead to fatal organ damage. My CF is hard to live with, four hours of therapy each day and regular hospital admissions coupled with a shortened life expectancy isn’t easy. Having to do hours of physiotherapy, inhaled nebulisers, inhalers and take over 30 pills a day is understandably exhausting.
My physical disability has been at the centre of my life since I was diagnosed at six years old.
Which is why people struggle to believe that I actually find my mental health problems harder to deal with.
I have had OCD since I was seven and was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD a few years ago.
While my CF leaves me bed bound for weeks at a time, unable to eat and often needing assistance to walk to the toilet. Spending days on end in bed doing ‘nothing’ causes my anxiety to worsen and makes me feel guilty for resting. Society makes us feel as though we need to be constantly achieving and my OCD tells me that I have to be perfect at everything I do, otherwise there is no point in me doing it.
My illnesses are closely linked, they impact on each other daily and it can be exhausting and debilitating. When I am unwell, anxious and tired, my OCD gets exacerbated and it can feel like a never-ending cycle. This in turn makes my CF even scarier.
On top of my own internal struggles. I got fed up with people taking me more seriously when I was having chest pain or experiencing a pancreatitis flare up, whilst also diminishing my OCD and anxiety by simply telling me to ‘try and be happy’.
People have a hard time sympathising with my OCD, in particular. This is due to misconceptions of the illness. People are fine with me resting in bed when I’m in agony with my pancreatitis pain, but when I am ruminating or stuck doing compulsions, they will call me weird or ask me to try and stop. It frustrates me because no one ever tells me to stop having CF related pain. My mental health deserves the same care and respect that my physical health gets.
After years of placing all my importance onto managing my CF, I got fed up. I started medication and got regular therapy.
My OCD means I am often worrying about my loved ones getting unwell or hurt, which leaves me little time to focus on myself, but in the last year I have been taking the steps and time to put my mental health first.
It hasn’t been easy, but it has been essential. I had to overcome my own internalised stigma towards my OCD. Finally finding the strength to tell my psychologist what I have been going through since I was 7 has released me from my shame. I can now talk candidly about my mental health and it is freeing.
I have no shame in admitting my OCD, anxiety or PTSD anymore. Shame is a huge barrier to getting ‘better’, and I am finally done feeling this way.
I have also found comfort in online communities, through twitter and tik-tok I have connected with others who have been through similar experiences. It has made me feel less alone and I know that I will always have people who can relate to me and be there for me as they know exactly what it can feel like.
Now when I take the time to rest in bed, I have to remind myself that not only will this help my CF flare ups, but in turn it will stop my OCD and anxiety from getting worse through pushing myself to extreme levels when I don’t have the capacity or strength to do so. At the same time, I have to force myself to get some form of fresh air (even just opening a window) every day, no matter how much pain I am in, because I know it helps me feel positive and calms me down.
These small steps can make a huge difference.
Eventually, continuing to take care of my mental health will in no doubt give me the strength and energy to refocus and take better care of my physical health in turn.
It’s a long and gruelling task and one I’m sure I will have to juggle for the rest of my life, but I am proud of how far I have come. And I have finally realised that my health must always come first, no matter what.
