The start of relationships is called the Honeymoon period for a reason: The time is filled with, primarily, only seeing the positives in your partners.
The phrase “rose tinted glasses” also springs to mind – you love the way they slurp a cup of tea, you laugh at them for forgetting to take the bin out, you kiss them before they’ve even brushed their teeth.
The rom-com nature of new love has a horrid side effect however – by not wanting to burst the bubble of seeming like the perfect partner, we often hide the “bad” or unpalatable parts of ourselves for our other halves. This can be something as simple as loving to eat smoked mackerel before bed, or more complex like mental health issues the other person has no clue about.
With this in mind, compiling a list of couple-friendly tips specifically angled at discussing mental health with your new bed mate just makes sense.
With the crowdsourced advice below, I can only hope it helps with approaching such a daunting topic with a new partner.
“Be prepared for them to be upset at the thought of you feeling low but if they’re a loving and supportive partner (which they should be) they’ll want to help. Share with them the support you need even if it’s just them being there and listening, then a boundary is set ready for if you need it. Share with them tips on how to help if you’re feeling panicked or anxious, things that will ground you and help you out of the feeling.
Personally, I find focusing on physical sensations especially helpful: Like my partner getting me to look at things around us. We play I Spy or this game where you focus on an upside down pear and how it stays upside down. Whatever your coping mechanisms, share them with your partner so they can implement them too.” – Hannah“Be prepared for them to be upset at the thought of you feeling low but if they’re a loving and supportive partner (which they should be) they’ll want to help. Share with them the support you need even if it’s just them being there and listening, then a boundary is set ready for if you need it. Share with them tips on how to help if you’re feeling panicked or anxious, things that will ground you and help you out of the feeling.
Personally, I find focusing on physical sensations especially helpful: Like my partner getting me to look at things around us. We play I Spy or this game where you focus on an upside down pear and how it stays upside down. Whatever your coping mechanisms, share them with your partner so they can implement them too.” – Hannah
“My best advice would be start out by establishing what you need to be at your best when you talk about it: What environment, what support, etc do you need to facilitate the conversation. I also recommend writing down what you want to say and what you need too – it helped me so much to write down the things people can do to support me and keep me feeling at my best, even if only for myself to see it written down. It’s a great exercise in getting the thought processes out so that you can start to see them and understand them, then it’ll be easier to bring up with a partner.” – Ant
“From my own experience being pretty open with a partner from the start is always good. It’s always hard to start the conversation, so doing it in a place you feel comfortable is always best. Make sure your partner knows what you’re telling them is a big deal and takes a lot to actually tell people. I always suggest bringing up any tips for them to help you with your mental health. My problems are panic attacks and having really bad anxiety, so I let my partner know how they can help if I get in that situation. I feel like in the long run that will help you and your relationship be healthy and grow.” – Natalie
“Basically it’s just honesty from the get go. I have to communicate in a very simple way exactly how I’m feeling when I’m feeling it. If your partner doesn’t want to know then that person isn’t right for you. I will tell my partner at all points in the day what my mental health is doing and how I am feeling. I will always explain after I’ve done something or he’s done something which affects it how it made me feel too. It’s all about communication.” – Rosie
“I had my Instagram linked to my Tinder account so when I met my current boyfriend on the app, he could already see my page and that I had discussed my mental illnesses so I never really had to ‘disclose’ it to him, he just already knew. But I do feel partners should be doing research off their own back of your disabilities/mental illnesses so they can better understand how to identify, manage and support you with your conditions. It helps to just be honest and tell your partner that you’re having a bad day or feeling extra sensitive. For example, if I’m in pain, feeling very low or feeling very manic, I’ll just tell him “I’m in pain today” and throughout previous discussions he knows what I need when I’m in pain, e.g. quiet/lots of water/ rest.” – Ellie
“It might sound basic but watching a film together that has a person in it affected by the same issue as you allows you to open up a dialogue. I also recommend sending them articles about what you are going through – sometimes it is easier to not have to broach the topic verbally at first!” – Megan
“Tell them as soon as you feel comfortable – maybe not on the first date but also not one year in, I was about 6 months I think and wish I’d done it sooner – as if they’re a dick about it you can leave them with minimal damage to yourself. It’s not been plain sailing since but four years into my current relationship we’re doing well. Communication is really important: talking about triggers, making them aware of the signs things are getting worse in case you can’t recognise them yourself, things they can do to help/that don’t help. And be sure to give them space to process what you’re telling them.” – Anon
“Talking about the f***ery inside my head with my boyfriend has taken practice, patience and disagreements. It’s not easy, it’s exhausting – for both of us – but keeping in constant communication has been key. When my anxiety hits and I have meltdowns and I can’t explain myself, I get brain fog and can’t string sentences together so having phrases like “I’m having a moment” to clarify when I’m unable to explain why I might have just snapped, cried or hid under the covers is really important – not just for my mental health, but for his too.
We’ve been able to develop a love language around this, so that we know when to back off, be more inquisitive or just hug. It sounds cheesy, but we often ask: “do you need your battery recharging?” to which the answer is always a forehead kiss or a cuddle. We’ve made a language and little rituals like this that help us know that we are listening, that we understand and that ultimately we want to make it better. Using code words and phrases so we know what’s going on without having to ‘get into it’ is so helpful.” – Katie
