I’m a sex-positive woman but that doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you
For the last few years I’ve been writing about sex positivity – this is the school of thought that maintains sex is healthy normal part of adult life, that it shouldn’t be equated with shame and that everyone, regardless of gender, is entitled to experience pleasure safely. I’ve written about the importance of healthy sex education and bringing an end to shame culture across the media, I’ve been in documentaries, I’ve created a blog and I’ve posted a lot on Instagram – so obviously, I have a reputation for being an open-minded sex-positive person. However, in my attempts to advocate for sex positivity I’ve often had to shoulder considerable emotional labour, especially when it comes to dating.
When you’re chatting to someone on a dating app usually there’s a level of respect between yourself and the person you have matched with. They’ll ask you questions about your job, your family, where you’re based, what you like. This sort of general chit chat is what can be expected, at least if you’re using one of the more mainstream apps to find love, like Hinge or Bumble. Lots of people use other apps if they’re looking for something less serious, like Feeld, BARE or Pure.
Of course on every app, regardless of what you’re looking for, there’s a level of etiquette expected of users. There’s always the assumption that whoever you’re speaking to will respect you, will be polite, and will consider your feelings. Unfortunately this isn’t always the case, and I find that identifying as a sex-positive woman is often interpreted as an invitation to eschew niceties, kick etiquette to the curb and say whatever the hell you want.
What does it mean to be sex positive?
I’ve been through phases in my life where I’ve been looking for a relationship, where I’ve been casually dating, New York style dating, not looking for anything serious or maybe just looking for a hookup. I’ve used pretty much every app available to me and as a result, I’ve met some wonderful people and fostered some incredible relationships and lasting friendships. But what I find increasingly, is that while many sex-positive people, particularly sex educators, feel that we are moving in the right direction, it has become glaringly obvious that not everybody understands what it really means to be sex positive. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t mean ‘up for anything whatsoever’.
I suppose in the same way not everyone really understands what it means to be a feminist – some hear the word feminist and think ‘anti-men’ and that’s obviously not what feminism means, feminism is just equality of the genders and equal access to rights and resources – similarly, sex positivity isn’t an obsession with sex, constantly being up for sex or being a kinky nonmonogamous person. All it means is that you believe sex is healthy, normal, natural and that everybody should be able to express themselves sexually without fear, oppression or shame.
When I match with people on dating apps we’ll exchange the usual pleasantries, but should the conversation turn to my advocacy work, my views on sex positivity and sexual expression or the fact that I’m a bisexual woman, that’s perceived as some kind of green light – a signifier that it’s okay to drop the niceties and instead, speak to me as though I’m not worthy of respect.
Society has a shame problem
We have an issue in British society, and in plenty of other societies let’s be honest, with viewing sexual expression as a healthy and shame-free act. People are very reactive about sex – it’s been explained to them via poor sex education and sensationalised media, they’ve received information about it through the lens of criminalised sex work and demonised pornography.
So naturally, for some, the things I write about as a journalist, the products I post about as an influencer, the companies I back as an entrepreneur and the spaces I choose to inhabit as an LGBTQ+ woman are associated with deviance, with loose morals and with a sense of shame. But of course, this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and does not serve as a concession for respect or politeness.
People have sex. People have always been having sex, people have always enjoyed sex and people will continue to have and enjoy sex – you simply wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for sex. So why does the shadow of it turn my matches from charming respectful individuals that I might well be interested in dating, into obnoxious sleazebags, assuming it’s okay to ask me personal questions, send me dick pics and start sexting without the go-ahead from my side. It’s as though a switch has been flipped and Dr Jeykll steps aside for Hyde to take the wheel. Actually, no. That implies these people don’t have a choice about the way they’re behaving – they absolutely do.
Pickier than most, selective AF
Being a sex-positive woman does not mean that I want to have sex with you. In fact, people who are sex positive are more often aware of personal boundaries, how to set them and how to communicate with other people about consent, thereby enjoying their sexuality on their own terms. Sex-positive people strive to do all that without feelings of deviance and shame and therefore, sex-positive people tend to be more selective about who they choose to date.
It has always been confusing to me that anyone I match with would deem it acceptable to launch into a conversation with personal questions about sex, just because I write about sex. I write from a somewhat academic perspective. so why would I want to discuss my personal sex life with you if we’ve just met? The same boundaries that you would apply to anybody else with any other job should also apply to me – I’m as deserving of respect as a CEO, a woman who works in a shop or a person running a pre-school.
There are sex-positive porn actors and there are sex-positive lawyers and doctors. The idea that women are either sex positive or demure, and that it’s acceptable to speak to one type of woman in one way and another in a different sort of way is problematic and harks back to the idea that there are exclusively two archetypes of women – the Madonna and the Whore. Obviously women are complex individuals who contain multitudes, many of us enjoy sex, and we expect others to respect our boundaries.
It’s not my job to tell you about consent
Dating apps can be difficult places to hang out. Some people will write exactly what they’re looking for in their bio, some will be dishonest, some don’t know what they’re after and some don’t even fill the bio section in. But on an app, when a conversation about sex is not it’s not consensual or an unsolicited picture is received, this is technically sexual harassment. If someone looks at my Instagram, sees sex toys, changes tact and starts speaking to me with a complete lack of respect, I hawe to tell them that yes, I write about sex and I advocate for sex positivity but I’m not interested in talking about personal stuff. It takes me awhile to get to the stage where I can talk like that with somebody and if I did want to have those kinds of conversations, there are other apps I could use.
The whole idea of being sex positive is that you understand consent, so there is a particular emotional labour that comes with being a sex-positive woman that uses dating apps. There’s an expectation that you should have to educate people, that you should have to consistently advise, correct and improve on their knowledge of consent. Of course I would rather do this then just block someone and then have them send aggressively sexual messages to somebody else. This is exhausting, because of course, I enjoy sex and sexting as much as the next person, but there is a very clear line that is often crossed and when that happens, I have to say something. Then, having just asked someone to please take a step back and show me some respect, I’m usually done with the conversation. Whatever happened to romance?
Hashtag not all men
When you fetishise someone who is trying to make sex into something normal, beautiful and mainstream, while it’s still considered by many to be shameful to think that way, it’s disheartening. It shows that we have a long way to go and personally, I’m getting tired of this back and forth that I constantly seem to be having to do when using dating apps. And for some reason, it feels like more work than ever these days – now that we’re all locked down and digital communication is our only means of dating.
We all have the power to control what we say to others so frankly, there’s no excuse for overstepping someone’s boundaries and being rude to them if you’ve just met them on a dating app. However they identify, it’s just something that doesn’t need to happen. Isn’t politeness the bare minimum we should expect from one another? In a time where love, sex and connection is solely digital, we need to make time to remember that beyond our phone screens is a person, and that person is worthy of your respect and politeness. They’re just looking for a connection, the same as you so please, exercise some self control.
