I wanted to introduce myself! I am Jessie Paege and I use She/Her Pronouns. I have been documenting my life online since I was 15 years old and as I have gotten older, mental health education has become a prevalent topic. A lot of my content focuses on honest one-on-one conversations about my struggles that are purely authentic. That’s what makes these stripped down conversations so impactful, educational, real, and relatable without romanticization.
Trauma and Being Neurodivergent
The two are different in that you do not need Trauma to be Neurodivergent and you do not need to be Neurodivergent to have Trauma. I recently came out as a Neurodivergent woman online and I’ve been thinking a lot about the correlation.
I want this conversation to be validating and hope it will open people’s eyes to the immense effects of both of these on your life, specifically in your adulthood. Before you read this, I want you to know that you are valid and I promise you, if there’s one thing I’ve learned while opening up, it’s that there are a lot of people out there that have been through what you have.
These people crave someone to come forward and talk about their experiences. As a kid I thought I was isolated and alone. I wish I had the internet to hear others discuss their experiences so I felt like other people genuinely did understand what I was going through.
Being Neurodivergent
As a kid, I first was thought to have Autism. I went to a Special Ed. Pre-School and the one word I would choose to describe it? It was Isolating. I could not communicate as a child. My parents kept wondering, what’s wrong with my daughter? I felt like I had done something wrong when it was something I couldn’t control. The memories I distinctly remember are not necessarily pleasant. I remember screaming and crying and having an aid literally hold me down. All I wanted to do was communicate, but I couldn’t. As I got older, they decided my main issues were related to my Selective Mutism and ADHD.
There’s a lot of false stigma in relation to ADHD. I was mute and their idea of ADHD was a child that was hyperactive when I didn’t speak and was constantly in my brain. I had an aid follow me and one other boy in my grade. Every year of elementary school, it was a given that we would have the same Kindergarten, First Grade, and Second Grade teacher. We were the only two students that needed an aid. As I got older, my parents decided that they didn’t want kids to ‘know’ and treat me differently, so they removed me from the program.
However, I still struggled immensely. I wish I knew and my parents knew that is was alright if people ‘knew’.
Trauma
A common connection with those that are Neurodivergent is that they struggle with communicating the way that Neurotypical people do.
As a child, I dealt with pretty severe trauma, which I haven’t even recognized until I finally let myself. It was so traumatic that I couldn’t even bring my mind to that place again.
I think what validated a lot of the emotional and physical abuse that I got as a child was gaslighting. I was essentially told I couldn’t tell anyone about what was going on.
The Connection
The real connection that I have analyzed is how the two alter a person’s judgement of what they can say and communicate. I went through a lot as a kid to learn to engage in basic communication. I couldn’t talk!
Then, I went through something traumatic and was gaslighted into believing that I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone what was going on. As an adult, it makes so much sense in my day to day life.
I realize that all my close friends and relationships tend to have one person that is very assertive. It’s the one trait I crave and fight for every day. I can’t communicate how I feel. It makes a lot of sense. I admire those that can communicate how I feel because I have been struggling with that my whole entire life.
As an adult, being assertive has been insanely difficult because I’m fighting something I’ve struggled with since I could talk.
However, I have never felt more in power in my own life. Being assertive is not about controlling others and manipulating, that’s gaslighting.
Assertiveness is realizing you deserve to communicate your needs. Assertiveness is self care. It’s something I strive for and I am hopeful for. There is hope. It’s a journey, but it can be one of the most enlightening things, to finally give yourself what you always deserved.