Dear Helen: My boyfriend dumped me. Now we’re living together in an open relationship – Help!

Hi Helen,

So this fall I moved in with my boyfriend after only six months of being together. 

I know it was incredibly dumb, I knew it before I did it. But I didn’t care, I was young, in love, and felt invincible. 

We met during quarantine because our parents live down the street from each other and we both happened to be based out of the same city. 

We were pretty much attached at the hip all summer and I felt like I had found something really special, that I wasn’t ready to let go of any time soon. 

I also started a new job virtually (my first big girl job out of college, mind you) and they indicated that they might want me working out of the office in the fall. 

My boyfriend’s lease was about to be up at the same time my job wanted me back, and all the original plans I had to live with friends had fallen through because their job prospects had fallen through. 

I didn’t want to be living with a stranger during Covid and I knew my boyfriend and I lived well together because we had been practically doing it for months. 

He was the one who pushed the move — he is 4 years older than me and at his age many of his friends have begun to move in with their partners. I felt kind of stupid doing it but I caved under the condition we would get a two bedroom in case our relationship couldn’t handle the pressure. 

We had already started fighting a little more often before moving in, but I chalked it up as new job stress and our honeymoon phase coming to an end. As anyone might expect, moving in only escalated that. 

We were fighting often and I felt unhappy, but at the same time very happy to be with my boyfriend and committed to making things work. 

At the end of October he left to see his family for a week and I could feel his attitude towards me had shifted. In the past when we had been apart I would get constant texts, calls, facetimes, etc. He seemed cold and distant so I passive aggressively pushed him away, expecting him to come running towards me. Instead he suggested we break up. 

Up till now the story seems very cut and dry: boy meets girl, they fall in love, boy gets tired of fighting with girl, they break up. But the kicker here is that he wants to keep living together. He says he still loves me and loves spending time with me, but the attraction level has waned and he wants to see other people. 

He kept bringing up how he’d never been in a relationship longer than a year, and how he didn’t know why us signing a year long lease with each other meant we would be romantically committed to each other for that time. 

I was shocked — I thought the point of the spare room was to save our relationship by getting a subletter, not for him to move into once our relationship was over. I told him I couldn’t live with him just as a friend — if our romantic connection were to die — I needed space from him to mourn it. But, I would be fine with an open relationship.

I promise you Helen, I wasn’t lying when I said that. I have always found monogamy kind of boring and had explained that to him early on into us meeting. He said he would get too jealous and I obliged, because I understand non-monogamy is a high ask. But the second time I brought it up he loved the idea. 

Everyone (including myself sometimes) thinks I’m crazy for entertaining the idea of an any relationship with him at all. 

But, I can honestly say I’m much happier since we have opened our relationship. Sure, I have pangs of jealousy and miss the times when he was obsessed with me, but I understand obsession is fleeting and what we have now — a strong friendship with romantic undertones — is much more solid than any honeymoon phase. 

It has also rid our relationship of the fights, now we both expect less of each other. We still act like a couple and have sex regularly, but now instead of spending all out time together we go on dates. 

The space has been great for us honestly. I just worry because I know he’s not committed to our romantic relationship long-term. He has said he wants to stay on the lease for the full year (and even continue to live together after) but he seems eager for me to find someone new. 

There is also a part of me that is excited about that, but every date I go on falls flat and I find myself running home and crawling back into bed with him as soon as I can find an excuse to leave. 

I think he sees this ‘open relationship’ as a transitional period into friendship while I still have pangs of wanting to make it work long term — especially because things between us have gone back to being really fun and carefree. 

I know I’m probably going to get hurt by this long term, and I know I deserve a way more emotionally mature man, but I can’t bring myself to let go of the comfort living with him offers me. 

With covid numbers ramping up my job has sent me back to work from home, I don’t know anyone looking to sublet a room, and I’m very nervous about the thought of a random stranger living with me during the next lockdown. 

Is it completely insane to keep living with him, knowing full well my feelings might get very hurt?

Best,

Stuck in Purgatory

Dear In Purgatory,

What’s confusing is how incredibly self-aware you are about the situation you’re in. You’re on the money with several points in your message — your boyfriend-that-isn’t-your-boyfriend is urging you to find someone new to de-escalate your relationship to friendship. But let’s start from the beginning.

So you moved in together after six months. Six months isn’t a long time, you’re right, but it’s certainly long enough to establish mutual respect, and from the sound of it, this man has very little for you. Yet you seem to blame yourself for every bump your relationship has rolled over. Your decision to move in after half a year isn’t “dumb,” as you suggest — there are plenty of couples who move fast and maintain perfectly healthy connections. Plus, you say your partner initiated the move, which likely validated all the good feelings you previously had about cohabitation. Then he switched up. People do that.

At one point, you claim you “passive-aggressively pushed him away” after noticing he was acting “cold and distant.” Still, I assure you that didn’t kill your relationship. It seems like he’d already decided to end things with you when he left to visit family. He used his vacation as a buffer and waited for you to react so he could accept less blame and feel less guilt. His insistence that he doesn’t know why signing a year-long lease with a partner means he has to be “romantically committed” to that person throughout the lease is bullshit. And his excuse that he’s never been in a relationship for longer than a year is bullshit too. As for not wanting to move out post-breakup? Men are literally just lazy.

When you explained you couldn’t live with him “as friends” right after he dumped you (totally understandable), he should have respected you enough to leave. Remember, he asked you to move in. He then immediately dumped you. It should be on him to find a new place and save you the time, money, and energy if out of courtesy alone. Not to mention, he’s four years older than you while you’re just out of college, so he should be relatively experienced in figuring his own shit out. But then you handed him a golden ticket — you suggested an open relationship twice.

And now he doesn’t want to move out because you have made the coziest little nest in the world for him! You’re still sleeping with him and no one else while he gets to sleep with other people and then nuzzle up to you on the side. He gets all the benefits of being in a relationship with you while doing absolutely none of the work.

The thing is, open relationships can work for couples, but not if you want one for the wrong reasons. You opened your relationship as a hail mary after you broke up, so I’m assuming you weren’t considering one while you were in the relationship. That’s the first red flag. 

A working open relationship is something both partners are open to and are willing to guide with communication, boundaries, stability, and respect. Open relationships have guidelines partners agree to abide by, which must be coordinated and discussed often to spare hurt feelings and avoid conflict and confusion. 

Also, open relationships should work both ways, and from the sound of how your dates turn out, that’s not happening. I’m just not convinced an open relationship with him is something you actually want. And because you haven’t communicated guidelines, do you know if he’s being safe during his excursions? We are, as you know, in the middle of a global pandemic.

 

I also don’t get the impression you’ve talked through any of this with him. If you have, he’s given you no clear answers, considering you think he’s using the open relationship as an opportunity to wean you off him. You have every right to know the goals of your relationship, open or closed. Not knowing causes resentment, instability, and fear, which are clearly already growing inside you. And yes, I do believe he is encouraging you to find someone new so he can move on and evade all future responsibility for your feelings.

By giving him permission to do whatever he wants without demanding he communicate anything with you, you will never be able to call him out. Technically, he’s doing nothing wrong. You suggested an open relationship after he dumped you, then never communicated or requested he respect your boundaries. If you really wanted an open relationship with this man, you wouldn’t currently feel like you’re “in purgatory.” Purgatory implies you’re endlessly waiting, but while you’re standing by to see if this man’s love for you returns, he’s giving his energy to other people.

I want you to know you don’t have to “cool girl” it here. You don’t have to go along with something you’re uncomfortable or unhappy with just because you suggested it, and certainly not because he likes it. You can speak up for yourself, address your needs, stand your ground, and demand respect. And if he’s not here for that side of you, another man will be.

Like I said before, you are very self-aware. You already know what’s happening, and you know you’re going to get hurt because you’re already hurting. It’s not going to get better. 

The chances of your sort-of partner suddenly turning down his current situation (why would he? He’s got it made) and reconsidering a long-term relationship with you are slim. 

He is showing you who he is and has been since you moved in together. And you are telling me you know you deserve better. Because you do! Being comfortable isn’t a good enough excuse.

You’re wasting time — if you’d spent the last month alone instead of struggling to convince yourself there’s still a chance, you would feel comfortable with your new setup too. At the end of the day, relationships are just habits. You can break them.

Bring all of this up to him. Tell him exactly how you feel. You can even read him the message you sent me! 

He might be emotionally immature, but he can’t be so stupid he won’t see that this isn’t fun for you. 

Ask him point-blank if he sees a future with you and what that would involve in terms of other people. 

Demand to know his goals for your relationship. Then trust his answers, don’t continue thinking he’ll miraculously change his mind.

And if he doesn’t have any answers, ask him to leave and explain your discomfort with him staying. 

And in the meantime, prepare. Talk to friends and family about potentially needing a place to stay or live. Ask them to keep their ears to the ground for reliable roommates. You deserve someone better than your current partner, and you will find them! 

Despite how you may currently feel, there are good men out there. And suppose you decide to pursue non-monogamy with a future partner — you will have a much clearer understanding of your personal requirements for an open relationship.

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