Staring into their eyes, feeling the warmth of their breath, the caresses all over your body. This magical moment which is meant to bring you into your own bubble for a short amount of time, we all experience it. Sexual intercourse.
“The touch of their fingers cascading my neck has given me chills all over my body, I am losing control.”
However long this lasted, I wished it would be a recurrent feeling. The reality is, I am not a sexual person. I do not see sex as a daily need.
I have often found myself cringing at people generalising men loving sex; that they think with their genitalia. People so often say, “that’s because he’s a man. All men are obsessed with sex.” But they’re wrong.
I am a man and I’d be happy to go without sex for years. On one hand, you have women defining all men as Don Juans (or satyromaniacs). On the other, men define women as nymphomaniacs if they happen to enjoy ‘too much’ sex.
Why should we live by these standards? As someone with a low libido, where do I fit?
My Reduced Sex Drive
Libido refers to one’s sexual desire and tends to be influenced by testosterone and estrogen levels, intimate relationships and mental health. For everyone, libido is a totally individual thing. It is time we treat it that way. Men should be allowed to talk about our feelings toward sex, rather than following the imposed men-love-sex ideology.
According to the NHS, there is no such thing as a ‘normal’ libido. However, there is a difference between feeling like ‘not having sex’ and reduced sex drive.
Reduced sex drive, or lack of it, can be caused by various reasons. The most common culprit is stress. Sometimes it may be due to being in a relationship for a considerate amount of time and becoming over familiar with your partner.
It may leave your partner feeling unattractive, instil doubts and even create some trust issues. But in other cases, it may simply be a case of associating sex with distinct but rare pleasure, unneeded on a daily/weekly basis. Some might call me old-fashioned to think that having sex is supposed to be special!
Sexual Desire Vs. Sexual Need
Sexual desires are often the response to being attracted to someone and wishing to share intimate moments with them. Sexual needs are personal and refer to what we consider essential for oneself to thrive.
It is important to make the distinction between desires and needs. Your sexual needs may dictate how you feel. For some, not having sex for seven days is hard, and can cause low mood.
Needs and desires can (and often do) become intertwined. This is a never-ending journey but one that only you can figure out. You’re in charge of your own libido – part of that is getting to know your fantasies, wants and desires.
As a gay man, there are many expectations of having to love sexual intercourse. While I do, that does not mean I will let my sexual needs dictate my life. I refer to my libido as low or nearly non-existent because I do not want it to be a factor in making life choices. But in all honesty, who doesn’t like to lose themselves with their partner’s body?
Don’t forget, whatever you like, how many times you do it, this is your normal and there is not a set standard to suffice your needs.
Should you be worried about your lack of sex desire impacting your personal life, please get in touch with your GP or visit the NHS website for more information.