There are so many misconceptions around eating disorders which is often what drives so much of the ignorance around them.
For instance, there’s this belief that to have an eating disorder, you must be severely underweight, which is untrue as many people with eating disorders are actually of average weight and in many instances overweight.
Not only is this detrimental to the person suffering’s mindset – but it’s dangerous, too. These kinds of misconception can lead to a sufferer believing they are not ‘sick enough’, that they don’t ‘look like they have an eating disorder’ and therefore can drive them to taking even more extreme measures highly damaging to their body.
But it is not just this comment that is dangerous for someone with an eating disorder. There are also lots of smaller passing comments which aren’t helpful at all – even though the person making them may not think anything of it.
We need to diminish the ignorance surrounding eating disorders and learn that comments that may seem harmless to you could be severely dangerous for a sufferer.
Below, we have listed nine things you should never say to someone living with an eating disorder.
‘You don’t look like you have an eating disorder’
I’ve said this time and time again, but there is no ‘look’ of somebody with an eating disorder. They come in all shapes and sizes and actually people are more likely to be a healthy weight than underweight. All this does is perpetuate feelings that the person struggling isn’t sick enough or thin enough – which is incredibly damaging.
‘Why don’t you just eat a biscuit?’
A GP genuinely asked me this once. It still blows my mind that people think it is as black and white as that. I would have loved to have just picked up a delicious sandwich when I was ill, but I just couldn’t.
‘I wish I had your willpower’
People who don’t understand eating disorders seem to think it is like a diet. That it is determination and willpower to lose some weight. But this is not the case. It is a mental illness. But people seem to forget that. Nothing about an eating disorder revolves around willpower, and in fact it takes far more strength and determination to fight against an eating disorder than it does to succumb to one.
‘I wish I had a body like yours’
The torment it takes to get the ‘body of an anorexic’ is unimaginable. And I assure you, if you knew you had to take the mind with the body you would turn it down in a heartbeat. It’s not worth the trade off, I promise you.
‘I could never be an anorexic, I love food too much’
This perpetuates the myth that people with anorexia don’t like food and don’t feel hungry. On the contrary you are always hungry and always thinking about food. Being afraid of food and disliking it are not the same thing.
‘I could never be bulimic, I hate throwing up‘
Similar to the last comment, this one is nonsense. Nobody purging their dinner is doing it because it’s fun. It sucks. I’ve spent more hours with my head in a toilet bowl than I care to admit and those are some of the most shameful, least glamourous times in my life.
‘You look well/healthy’
This is a difficult one because it often comes from a good place, but if there is one thing, we know about eating disorders it’s that they’re completely irrational. They will twist any words they can into something negative, so naturally any comments about looking better translate into “you look fat” or “you’ve gained weight”. Please, if you know somebody struggling, refrain from any comments about their appearance at all. You might think you’re being kind, but chances are those words will hurt them more than you could know.
Any comments about what they are or are not eating
Please don’t draw any attention to what the person is or isn’t eating whilst they are eating, unless they’ve explicitly asked for your support with this, or if it has been agreed by professionals. If someone is struggling with anorexia, they’re likely to have enormous turmoil over mealtimes, and anything that amplifies that anxiety is going to make that process even more difficult. Equally, for somebody with bulimia or binge eating disorder, highlighting any binges is likely to bring overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt. These conversations can be had, but they are best discussed outside of the time when the person is eating.
‘I thought you were getting better, why are you doing this again?’
It is very hard to watch somebody you care about self-destruct, but sadly relapse in eating disorder recovery is incredibly common. It doesn’t always mean they are back to square one, but it can mean they need a little extra support. Recovery is possible, so it’s important to remind them that a slip up doesn’t mean they can’t start that recovery journey again.
If you hear anybody using any of these please call them out! It’s so unhelpful and minimises the severity of eating disorders.
Beat, the UK’s leading eating disorder charity, echo the advice above by suggesting: ‘Offer compliments that don’t relate to their physical appearance, and try to find things to do with them that don’t involve food. Just being there for them and showing them, you understand this is not their fault and believe they are worthy of support will make a big difference. And once they’re in recovery, make sure that they feel able to approach you again if they need to in the future – full recovery is completely possible, but relapses are not uncommon’.
Beat also report that eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, both through medical complications and suicide. Therefore, it is vital that we learn how to respond appropriately, compassionately, and above all, in a way that makes people feel safe and supported.