‘Sex positivity’ is a bit of a buzz word at the moment.
I remember learning about sex positivity from a YouTube video back in 2018.
I was intrigued, but as a shy and nervous 17-year-old, I couldn’t relate to what the YouTuber was saying. I assumed that being ‘sex positive’ equated to having lots of sex all the time, dressing sexy and boasting about one-night stands.
This felt far removed from my very un-sexual life at 17 years old, where I spent most of my time studying for my A-levels, applying to universities and spending my weekends in Costa with a few friends (it’s safe to say I wasn’t the coolest teenager).
While I identified strongly as a feminist, I looked down on any ‘overly’ sexual women and scoffed at the notion of sex positivity. I thought ‘what about women who aren’t having sex, or are still virgins?’.
What I didn’t realise was that I was projecting my insecurities as a young woman with a limited experience of sex, onto the sex positivity movement.
It didn’t quite compute in my head that sex positivity is about removing shame around sex — whether you’re having lots of it, only a bit of it, or none at all.
When I went to university, I felt embarrassed by my lack of sexual experience and I wanted to ‘remedy’ this. I so wanted to be seen as sexy and desirable. But at the same time, if I ever thought about sex or tried to masturbate, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I was the perfect example of a woman who’d been fed conflicting ideas about sex her whole life.
Women are constantly fed confusing messages about sex. We are told that having lots of sex is ‘slutty’ and ‘unattractive’, but not having sex, or not doing certain sexual acts is ‘prudish’. It’s a balancing act — have sex, but not too much sex. Don’t be too vanilla, but don’t be over the top. Be experienced in the bedroom, but don’t have a high ‘body count’. Talk about sex, but don’t talk about masturbation. Be sexy, but remain submissive and respectable.
It’s exhausting, confusing and down-right infuriating.
It was in my second year at university that I got fed-up with my confusing attitudes towards sex. I didn’t want to feel grossed out by the sexual side of myself, and I wanted to do whatever I wanted without judgement from anyone (including myself).
I followed more sex-positive influencers online, watched loads of sex education videos on youtube and began to research sex and sexuality from an academic stand-point in my degree.
I finally stopped being disgusted at myself for being sexual and I started having sex, masturbating and openly talking about sex. It felt so liberating. I fell in love with this new part of me.
I learned that at the core of the sex positivity movement is the idea of informed consent and agency. Whatever you do sex-wise is okay, as long as it is consensual and what you want. I became very passionate about sex positivity and ended up writing an award-winning dissertation on the topic and volunteering for a sex education charity.
Most importantly though, through the sex positivity movement and the wonderful work of sex-positive content creators, I learned that my own sexuality was a wonderful thing. It was more than okay for me to enjoy sex — whether solo or with a partner. I felt like I’d become more mature; not because I’d had sex, but because I finally felt more comfortable in myself and my desires. I was obsessed with this ‘new’ version of me, who was confident in herself, and her sexuality.
This is why I get so excited by new sex-positive companies, products and influencers. I feel indebted to the sex positive movement for helping me gain confidence and accept myself.
I am particularly excited by BARE, a new dating app that is centred around open-mindedness, and of course, sex positivity. BARE celebrates those who are honest with their intentions, who are up for experimenting, exploring and having fun. BARE has created a safe online space for sexting, where you can use sliding bars to show off exactly the bits you want to. It also ensures that you only receive nude images if you want to as it’s anti-nudity technology prevents any inappropriate images on profile pictures. It’s unashamedly risque, but in a safe, consensual way.
If you want to try a sex positive dating app that champions open-mindedness and exploration, download BARE here.
