It hits you when you least suspect it. When you’re sitting watching TV. When you’re trying to take a nice relaxing soak in the bath. When you’re sat there in silence wondering when it’s next going to hit you.
That horrible feeling of dread. That panic. The butterflies that feel like boulders circling your stomach. The breathlessness as your body goes into fight or flight mode. The cold shivers that run down your spine as your whole body goes into this hot and cold mess. Your heart starts beating fast and your hands are shaking.
You’re in the midst of a panic attack. But you can’t put your finger on why.
This is how I have been feeling lately. In fact, sitting here writing this, I feel it now. That nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’ve been trying to work out all day what’s happening. But I can’t work it out.
If you’ve been in, or are in, the same boat right now, know that you’re absolutely not alone.
This is a horrible feeling and nothing anyone says seems to make it any better.
I can’t tell you that this feeling is going to get immediately better, because I don’t know you, and it would be wrong for me to tell you that. But what I can say is that it will pass. Even if eventually.
It’s something that I’m trying to tell myself right now. That I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again, but in-between, the feelings of anxiety will lessen.
I called the Samaritans last night. I felt lost and overwhelmed and I just needed to talk. I called them because they don’t give me advice; and advice isn’t want I wanted. I just wanted to talk. To have someone to listen. To talk to someone who didn’t know me, nor anything about me. To talk to someone who wouldn’t judge.
It can be scary opening up, especially when you’re dealing with anxiety and panic attacks, because you’re always at risk of someone telling you that you’re being overdramatic or that you just need to get on with it. These are things I’ve been told myself, and so I’m selective about who I completely open up to.
But talking to someone who doesn’t know me really helped. And I’d recommend them to anyone else, too.
I guess why I’m writing this is to tell you that someone else gets it. Whether that’s me or someone else going through a similar thing (I say similar because everyone’s experiences are unique). But we know how you feel. And it is horrible.
There are some people who mock anxiety disorders, or don’t take them as seriously as other illnesses. But anxiety disorders are nothing to laugh about or to minimise.
When you’re going through a panic attack that feels like a heart attack and your fears are suffocating you to the point you throw up, things can seem soul-crushing. And that’s because that’s what anxiety is like.
I want you to know that I see you, I hear you, and someone here believes you. I want you to know that your feelings and experiences are valid. I want you to know that no matter how on your own you feel, you are never alone.
And I want you to know — and to tell myself at the same time — that these feelings will pass. Right now, we’re in the grips of a mental illness that we absolutely did not choose. And it seems unfair and upsetting that it is happening, but all we can do is ride the wave and try to get through it.
And it’s okay to get through it in a way that works for you. Don’t feel pressured to go for a walk or to practise mindfulness. Do what is comfortable for you. Note down how you feel. I get things out by writing, just like I’m doing now. It can be so therapeutic. Listen to music that makes you feel calm. Take a long bath. Watch your favourite movie. Phone a loved one. Phone a mental health helpline. Take your medication if it’s what you’ve been prescribed, and keep in touch with your GP about how you’re feeling. Do what you need to get by, in a way that is safe.
If you are experiencing high anxiety right now, know that it’s okay to take a break from things. To take a sick day (because your mental health is just as important as your physical health), take a break from work, extend your deadlines, do what you need to do to make it through each day until this feeling passes.
Because it absolutely will pass. I can’t tell you how or when, but it will. You might feel like this again. But you will get through it again, because you are strong and resilient — stronger than you know.
To be here right now, feeling how you are, takes great strength. Please know that.
We’ve got this. It might take time. Maybe it’ll be tomorrow or maybe it’ll be next month — but we just have to persevere. And I know you have the strength to do that.
if you are currently struggling and need to talk, call Samaritans on 116 123.