How to Tell if You’re in a Trauma Bonding Relationship and What to Do About it
Here’s a public service announcement courtesy of Oprah for anyone who needs to hear it: “Love doesn’t hurt; it’s supposed to feel good.” For many of us, the ups and downs of relationships are normal parts of healthy relationships, but some people find it tricky to recognise the difference between a thin patch of a relationship and the signs of abuse.
That’s where trauma bonding comes into play. People who experienced abuse in childhood, particularly if it came from a caregiver who also showed them love and affection, believe that love and abuse go hand in hand.
Being in a roller coaster relationship with astronomical and the lows unbearably painful appeals to some people simply because they think it’s the way true love is supposed to be. As relationship expert John Kenny explains, getting addicted white-knuckle ride of love could be a sign you need to reflect on why that is.
He says: “At the beginning of a relationship, you may have been ‘love-bombed’ sending lots of feel-good hormones into your system. This can be followed by periods of ‘ghosting’ or other forms of abuse that then release stress hormones into your body.
“Unfortunately, your brain and body can then crave these hormones and a cycle can start where they are chased. You want the good ones to return, but also don’t know how to be without the bad ones – you have become addicted to the rollercoaster of hormones and are trauma bonded.”
Think you could be in a trauma bonded relationship right now? John explains, feeling controlled or manipulated, having love given and then removed, being gaslit or finding yourself fixating over your partner’s emotions are all telltale symptoms of trauma bonding.
“Do you find that person is the only thing you think about, but not in a positive way – are they okay with you, what is their mood going to be like etc?”
John asks. “Are you pushed and pulled emotionally, never knowing how you should feel? Are you the one that is in control of your relationship and you know that you are getting the other person to play to your tune? Or are you the one being played?”
The good news is, there are steps you can take to improve things. John adds, “Firstly, you can try and re-balance your relationship if both of you are willing to address the issues within it.
“If not, then you need to address your own issues. Why are you in this situation? Is this something that makes you happy or does it feel like a compulsion to be there even though it offers nothing really positive?
“You need to make the decision to leave if it cannot be resolved. Once you have decided to move away from this situation you will need a time of calm and peace until your body re-balances your hormone levels and the craving for these dissipate. Who would want to be bonded to this anyway? It is called trauma for a reason.”
