As a parent to two young children, bullying is near the top of the long list of concerns for me. Particularly now as it’s been upgraded. Online harassment is a new, insidious, frightening, and relentless version. Let’s take a look at what we can do if our child is being bullied online.
The first step is the approach. We need to talk to our child about exactly what bullying is, and whether this lines up with their experiences online. Whereas this might seem obvious to us, sometimes it can be subtle. Lines are blurred. Areas are grey. Actions which might be camouflaged as ‘banter’ could actually be harmful. Ultimately, the taste test is whether or not it causes suffering in our child. Do these comments affect their self-esteem or confidence? The approach needs to be delicate. Softly, softly, catchy monkey. It might take more than one conversation. The child might feel scared, embarrassed or ashamed. It might even be helpful to allow them to process our concerns and then come back to us later to explain what has been going on, in their terms.
We also need to watch our tones and remove any judgement. For example, we all want to tell our kids that they need to stand up for themselves (admittedly this is more relevant in the real world rather than online). But our child is likely to be too scared or lack the confidence to do so. Our advice could unwittingly alienate them and make them feel even more worthless and negative about themselves.
We also need to be ready prepared to meet resistance or denial, at least initially. Although we love to think that we are the bulwarks of our offspring and their confidantes, in reality, there might be many reasons they hold back. It could be that some of the issues that make them target for bullying (such as sexuality), could be too uncomfortable for them to discuss. Or they might feel that we can’t relate. We might be old fuddy-duddies to them (the fact I even use that phrase proves my point), a generation who weren’t brought up in the age of the internet. Also, forgive me for saying this, but if we’ve been too harsh and over-critical in the past, they might not want to share their problems with us. Therefore, it might be helpful for them to have an independent arbitrator, such as a family friend, or even Childline. Another important strategy is to regularly check in on our child. One conversation, no matter how cathartic or useful it appears at the time, only reflects a snapshot. Feelings can sometimes be delayed and situations can develop or change.
A contentious issue is whether we should limit or even prohibit our kids’ use of the internet or their mobile phones. This is tempting. An easy fix. Surely doing this would immediately keep them safe from cyber bullying, right? Remember, contrary to our own upbringings (if you’re as old and fuddy-duddy as me), a huge chunk of their identities exist online. By eliminating this, we are restricting some of their shared social experience. This can make them feel isolated and disconnected from their peers. Worse, like they are being punished even though they are the victims. It is the equivalent of our parents not allowing us to watch TV when we were kids. We would miss out on the conversations in the playground the next day. Instead, it’s more helpful to educate, encourage and support our children to be more wary of the darker corners of the Internet and to block perpetrators who post hateful or abusive comments. There are even apps which help users block unwanted comments and engagement.
In addition, we can turn to the actual platform or website itself for help. Many are socially responsible and want to eliminate hatred and bullying, through their own internal strategies. We should alert the websites of any specific videos that are being shared amongst children which are encouraging bullying. They will probably be keen to delete the video and maybe even the accounts they came from.
Outside of addressing online bullying, we need to look holistically at the mental health of our children. If their online experience is unpleasant, let’s give them alternatives. They may need a gentle nudge from us to find activities and hobbies, both with and without us. Playing with other children might lift their confidence and tackle loneliness. Perhaps listening to music (no matter how unpalatable that music might be for our fuddy-duddy sensitivities) or doing sports or games. Again, the approach may need to be gentle. It’s a fine line between encouragement and enforcement. This strategy is unlikely to work once it gets to the point that it’s no longer fun for them.
Extreme circumstances require extreme measures. Hate crimes are against the law. If somebody is being bullied because of their gender, religious beliefs or skin colour, for example, we could involve the police. It can also be helpful to inform the school, especially if the perpetrators are fellow pupils. Once again, this needs to be handled delicately and subtly. Inadvertently labelling our child as a ‘snitch’ might be more harmful and embarrassing for them. When arranging a meeting with the teacher, it helps to bring evidence, such as text messages or screenshots. We need to give the teachers a decent chance to resolve this. However, if we are not satisfied with their actions, we can consider escalating it to the Chair of Governors or the Head Teacher of the school.
Finally, it’s important to acknowledge the impact this all might have on our own mental health. Do we need support? A shoulder to cry on? Perhaps we should unburden our own distress to a trusted friend. There might even be local support groups.
Like all bullying, the cyber-version is a horrible experience for both us and our offspring. Hopefully, a combination of the strategies can help relieve some of the pain. Hopefully, they can strengthen our emotional strength the next time that unforgiving screen lights up.
Dr Sohom Das is a Forensic Psychiatrist, author of new book In Two Minds: Stories of Murder, Justice and Recovery from a Forensic Psychiatrist, and host of YouTube channel A Psych for Sore Minds.
