The dating scene is a difficult world to navigate under the best of circumstances.
There are misunderstands, crushing ego moments, and times where you have to muster your confidence in order to clearly ask someone out.
We’ve all faced difficulties in moments like these, but for some of us it gets even more difficult as you’re not only having to deal with the worrying thought of ‘they might say no’ but also the background thoughts of ‘They’re going to say no, of course they’d say no, look at you, why would they want you, look how disgusting you are’. That sort of stuff gets in the way of a good icebreaker.
This is what it’s likely trying to date whilst having body dysmorphia, an issue I’ve had to face countless times. Whether it’s trying to ask someone one out over a dating app, in person, or even when in a full relationship, these thoughts about your appearance and what they mean for your perception of your own self worth, can massively get in the way.
Let’s start with dating apps, the bane of many people’s dating life I’m sure. One of their main problems is the emphasis on visual appeal, with the process focused almost entirely around someone’s appearance. Yes, there are profile sections where you can write about yourself, but when people are swiping through absentmindedly it’s not often you want to stop to read. The emphasis on appearance does play a part in all dating experiences I acknowledge, but in those moments you get to see more than just what a couple still images can suggest.
Using those still images as the entirety of the profile is difficult because, well, taking photos can be difficult. If you’re aware that someone is taking a photo of you, your brain kicks into overdrive with thoughts of all the imperfections in your outfit, a small mark on your trouser leg, a blemish on your face, the shirt hanging slightly off you. This can make you feel incredibly insecure, and that insecurity shows up in a photo. In short, you end up with very few images to promote yourself with on tinder.
In life, dating isn’t much easier. Yes, you have the advantage of not being limited to just a still awkward expression on a profile, and things like personality, body language, tone of voice, and context are all very important. The problem here is that whenever the idea comes to mind to actually ask someone out, those same insecurities start up again, putting you off the idea for fear of showing offense to your intended.
When I’ve thought about it, my brain makes me feel decrepit, sinister, as if I’m to be seen as a lecherous form trying to suckle up to someone who responds rightly with disgust. It also means that, since your brain has decided for you that no one could ever rightly be attracted to you, any sign that someone is interested in you must obviously have been something else, so you miss what could otherwise have been some clear signs.
None of this is to say that it is impossible to find romantic relationships despite these hardships. These relationships can indeed be very helpful as a means of support during difficult moments and can help drown out the negative way your brain makes you feel you appear. However, I don’t mean to suggest all of your issues are solved the moment you enter a relationship, that is definitely not the case.
Whilst I know it’s a difficult conversation for you to have with your significant other, you do need to tell them about your BD, as it allows them to be able to understand what helps you through those moments and allows them to be prepared if they see you going through it. How to have this conversation is a difficult matter, and I could never do it justice in a single paragraph. All I will say for now is that being open about your needs and the challenges you face does not make you a bad or burdening person.
Having body dysmorphia is really difficult, and leads to a whole range of problems, not just when it comes to dating.
But it’s important to understand that the way you see yourself, the way your brain tells you are, is not the way other people will see you and approach you. Know that other people have been through similar experiences, and will be able to give you the support you need to make the voice in your head quieter.
