Eight years ago (wow, now I feel old), I met someone online who I quickly started to like, and before we knew it we were saying ‘I love you’ over Skype. We were young and it was new and our calls were filled with lust, because he lived 200 miles away. The distance kept me daydreaming about the day we’d finally meet, keeping me on my toes during every conversation, never knowing if it would swiftly end with a block button — with no way to contact him afterwards.
After three months of talking we decided to meet up (in a public place). I got the train to see him, nervous that he wouldn’t like me in person — and that I’d be stranded two hundred miles away. I also worried I wouldn’t like him. Looking back, I definitely should have taken a friend, but I was naive and decided to go alone.
Luckily, he was just as nice and just as attractive in person (though I would never encourage someone to meet a person off the internet without having someone to accompany you and letting people know where you are). We hit it off and I ended up staying with him for a week. It was odd meeting his parents on our first ‘date’, but that was unavoidable.
We got into a relationship that week, and it lasted for a year. However, it’s a relationship I look back on and think about all of the things that went wrong. It’s not something I dwell on, but in hindsight it taught me a lot about long-distance relationships, and the qualities they need to keep them healthy.
At first, our relationship was exciting. I missed him as soon as I got on the train home, and we’d Skype every night, counting down the days until we could see each other – which was usually once every six weeks.
While our relationship was thrilling and I was up in the clouds in love, it also became strained around half a year in.
As we continued to develop as our own people, I started noticing differences in our relationship. It was stressful missing each other’s calls, cancelling Skype because we didn’t feel well or having to cancel plans last minute.
It was difficult spending weeks living separate lives, and coming together on the odd occasion to try to keep the closeness each time.
As we grew more frustrated by our distance — and being too young to do anything about it — we started to argue. I think the worst part about arguing with someone who is hundreds of miles away from you, is that you don’t know what they’re thinking or feeling or how they’re acting. It’s easy to take words and texts out of contex, and feel hurt by things that weren’t actually meant to be hurtful. It’s also far too easy to just put down the phone, block you on social media and end things.
Of course, as mentioned, we were both young and naive and totally not prepared for a long distance relationship. We both ended up realising this and the relationship came to an end. We both wanted it to work, but it just ended up being clearly over. We remained friends, and spoke infrequently afterwards. He contacted me in 2015 to ask how I was doing after an operation. It’s nice that we remained on good terms, because it’s not a relationship I look back and feel bad about. It was a different kind of relationship to anything I have experienced before, and I’m thankful that I got to experience that. But, it put me off doing long distance again — and despite practically living on social media, I never entertained it.
I realised that it takes a lot of trust and maturity and resilience to maintain a long-distance relationship, and you also have to develop a thick skin, and know 100% that you’re in it for the long-run.
I think you’ve got to be mentally prepared for how upsetting it can be to not see your partner for weeks or months on end, despite the build up to finally connecting in person being exciting.
You need total faith in your partner that they are committed to you, and you need to be someone who puts all of their trust into their partner, with no reason not to until that’s broken.
It’s also important to be prepared for how to deal with any disagreements. It’s a normal part of a relationship, and unlike when you’re living together or at least nearby, it’s too easy to put down the phone and disconnect from you for a long period of time.
But it’s also important to make time for each other and to stick to plans (within reason), and reassurance can be needed at times, because there may be times where you’re in bed wondering how they’re feeling about you.
You also need to be realistic about the future, and whether the distance is something that you can do forever, whether you’d be happy to move, or whether you’re prepared for living together after so long apart.
If my partner and I were to go long distance, I know that it would work now — but that’s because I’ve found someone who I (hope) will spend the rest of my life with.
But after my first long distance relationship, I made sure it was my last.
And if you’re currently in one, I absolutely commend you on that, because it takes true strength, commitment and resilience.
I also hope you have found true happiness, and that you’ve found ‘your person’. I know I have.
