Boundaries are a great thing that everyone seems to talk about in therapy. It’s likely a therapist’s favorite word. (I should know, I was one.) But the biggest problem is that, if you have a trauma history or a complex family life or just a different cultural upbringing, no one ever explains what the heck having boundaries means and how individual they are.
There’s some strange idea that seems to float around that good boundaries are obvious and normal. But as someone who had to figure them out from square one for a number of reasons, they aren’t clear to everyone.
Boundaries look different from person to person. They can be set verbally or intuited through body language or social mores. It’s like going into the bathroom while someone is using it. For some people, that would be a boundary violation. For others, it’s okay because there’s only one bathroom in the house and everyone’s getting ready. So it’s not a simple process to learn how to set boundaries for yourself or change the ones you have.
Some cultures have different ideas of what appropriate boundaries between certain relationships are. So, knowing who you are and your context is one of the first steps to setting a boundary.
What someone from another culture or family or situation may tell you is an appropriate boundary may not feel right fr you and that is totally OK.
Another good step is determining what is your goal in developing these boundaries. Do you find yourself overwhelmed frequently or stressed because of trying to help others? Do you have a hard time saying no to someone’s request for help or someone asking if they can come over? Do you find yourself passive aggressively venting to others when people don’t intuit what your boundaries are? That might mean you need to be a bit more firm or decisive about setting your boundaries.
Boundaries can also shift from day to day. Something that’s tolerable one day is nails on a chalkboard the next. You may desperately want to be around people one day and need to be in your own personal blanket cave the next. Finding a way to let people know that it’s not them, it’s you, when those days occur is important.
I’ve come up with a few short hands I use when I am overwhelmed and need a break, either from social media, messaging, phone calls or in person. Having those at hand makes me feel less overwhelmed or worried that someone will take things the wrong way. It also means that I’m essentially developing a cue for those I spend a great deal of time with that is easy for them to pick up on.
Sometimes, setting a boundary doesn’t feel good. It can feel like shutting someone out or shutting them down.
People get upset or angry and it’s hard to hold the line. While someone getting upset or angry at a boundary can be a red flag, it can also mean that they’re misinterpreting it or that this is setting off something in their own mind. They may be in their own process of learning how to cope with or handle boundaries. You can be compassionate, while also making sure you’re staying safe. Talk it out and make sure you’re not compromising your boundaries over and over again because of someone’s inability to cope with you setting them.