It’s been almost a year of restrictions, lockdowns and social distancing now and it’s starting to get to you. You don’t remember the last time you spent so much time alone with your thoughts. You start thinking about past choices and whether or not you’ve been on the right track so far.
Maybe one of your friends got engaged over Christmas and it stirred something inside of you. Maybe you’ve been obsessing over stories of lockdown love or just watching too many romcoms. Maybe you don’t quite know where it came from, but suddenly it’s there. That little thought seed has been planted. Should I text my ex?
I’m going to level with you. It’s probably a bad idea for most of you. Sorry.
I know how compelling that urge can be. Loneliness is overwhelming and, coupled with the fact that online dating has become even harder since social restrictions, it’s no surprise that more and more of us are reaching out to people we thought we’d long forgotten.
Before I get into the reasons why you shouldn’t text your ex, I’m going to interrupt myself here and say that there are, of course, exceptions to the rules. There are some genuinely heartwarming stories out there about exes who have reconnected after years apart. But you have chosen to read this article, which tells me that there is a niggling doubt in the back of your mind, however small it is.
Part of you knows you shouldn’t text your ex. But here goes anyway.
Don’t text your ex if…
…There Was A Good Reason You Broke Up
Think back for a moment. Why did you break up in the first place? There must have been a good reason at the time. People do change, but people can also slip back into bad habits when they re-enter familiar surroundings. Even if there is solid evidence that you’ve both grown and are emotionally ready for a relationship, you might find that getting back together undoes that progress.
What to do instead: while thinking back to the breakup might put a bit of a dampener on your reunion, it’s also a great opportunity to think about what you’re looking for (or not looking for!) from a future relationship. Time to remind yourself of your priorities.
…You Need A Confidence Boost
You’re feeling insecure, full of self doubt and unattractive. You just want to feel good about yourself. You know that your ex admires and respects you, they always made you feel like you could just go out and get it (and they fancy the pants off you!). It’s tempting to reach out. Your
self esteem needs some serious nurturing and you know they would oblige. But, the truth is, it simply isn’t fair to insert yourself into your ex’s life because you need external validation.
What to do instead: Be kind to yourself. These are difficult times and it’s OK if you don’t feel like a superstar every day. Instead of focusing on what you can’t do, try to set small achievable goals that you can take on each day. If this is something you’re really struggling with, consider getting professional help, it will have a much deeper impact than reassurance from a past lover.
…You’re Not Over Them
Not being over an ex might seem like a good reason to get in touch, after all; the love is still there. If you haven’t done the emotional healing required to get over your ex, it’s simply too soon to be making these kinds of huge decisions. You’re probably still vulnerable and the emotions and potential rejection or further heartache that this could stir up could be even more painful than the initial break up.
What to do instead: Resist the idea that you can get your healing from another person and instead celebrate how far you’ve come. You might be over your ex yet, but you’re learning to live your life without them and you have great things ahead of you. Try writing a list of things you’ll do and places you’ll go when this is all over. You’ve got this.
…You Have Been Looking For Love
Nothing will make you miss your ex more than hours and hours of swiping through dating profiles as you try your best to imagine each of these strangers as your S.O. Add in a pandemic on top of that and you’ve got the perfect recipe for potential ex-texting. But… Are you really going to undo all the progress you’ve made by heading back into familiar territory? You’re definitely not going to find your next big love while you’re getting tangled up with your ex all over again.
What to do instead: If dating apps are starting to grind you down, take a break for a while. You might find that spending some time not looking for love helps you get excited about the adventure of discovering new people all over again. Don’t put pressure on yourself to find someone right now. If there’s one thing we’ve got in lockdown, it’s time.
… You’re Obsessing Over Mistakes You’ve Made
Maybe you’re not looking to get back with your ex, but you’ve been reflecting on the past and you think you owe them a huge apology. Now that you look back on the relationship, you’re realising what a massive tit you were. You should have treated them with more respect and they deserve to know that. What harm could sending a heartfelt “soz” do anyway, right? Wrong.
Depending on how badly you treated your ex, getting in touch out of the blue could actually do more harm than good here. Your ex might deserve an apology, but they also might not be in the
best place to hear from your right now. Unless you’re already in touch, think past the guilt you’re feeling and try to consider the impact hearing from you might have on them right now. Proceed with caution.
What to do instead: Forgive yourself. Try to come to terms with whatever it is that you did in the past and vow to never repeat those mistakes. Your ex deserves to heal without you, but you can try to understand why you behaved the way you did and work on improving your chances of successful future relationships.
… Loneliness Is The Only Thing Driving You
The effect loneliness can have on your mental health and wellbeing can be devastating. Loneliness can lead to depression, stress and feeling hopeless. It can also have a detrimental impact on our physical health. You’re absolutely right for wanting to tackle it head on. Texting your ex isn’t going to magically fix this (and it isn’t fair on them either), you need a more robust plan.
What to do instead: Reach out to your friends and family and try to open up about the way you feel. Although contact with others is limited at the moment, there are ways you can still socialise from a distance. Spend some time learning about ways you can manage loneliness and consider taking up new hobbies to fill up your free time.
… The Relationship Was Toxic
If your relationship was toxic (or abusive) in the first place, you should never risk reopening those old wounds. However much you feel like getting in touch with your ex, it’s important for your wellbeing and emotional safety that you resist. An ex who treated you badly simply does not deserve to hear from you and you should do whatever you can to keep reminding yourself of that. Enlist a friend, if it helps.
What to do instead: If you haven’t already, seriously consider seeking professional support in coming to terms with your past relationship. There could be underlying reasons you were vulnerable to your ex and you deserve to get past the causes of these issue so that you can move on to better things.
