Grief is personal. It is unique. It is something every single one of us is guaranteed to experience at some point in our lives and with each loss, each iteration, it will manifest differently.
For many, the pandemic of the last year will have prematurely forced people to face grief, and yet, for an experience so universal (both before and during the pandemic), it is still treated like a great unknown.
But then again, how could it not be? How do you prepare yourself for emotions you haven’t felt yet? How do you anticipate the triggers of grief you have yet to experience, let alone recognise?
How can you possibly predict when, why and how those emotions will hit you? Will it be now? Next month? Next year?
I have felt grief before; each time slightly differently, when my grandfather passed away from Parkinson’s disease in February 2020. His condition had been slow-moving, but four years previously, he and my grandmother, who has dementia, had been moved to a care home as they became less independent.
Two weeks after my grandfather’s funeral, we entered the first national lockdown. At the funeral, I had learnt that the people who had since moved into my grandparents’ old house had done a lot of renovations, adding an extension and knocking through rooms.
The flash of anger I felt when I heard this surprised me: it felt almost criminal — who did these people think they were tearing down a home that had over 40 years of wonderful memories in it. How could they remove all trace of the house I had known?
And so, with the first lockdown, the nightmares began. I hadn’t thought about this house for four years, and yet now it was all I could dream about.
My nightmares became variations of a theme: I was in the house, either before or during the renovations, and would run through the rooms crying and shouting, cursing and mourning the changes that were being made.
The dreams were intense and upsetting, and would leave me feeling sad and unsettled for a lot of the following day. They brought back surprisingly vivid memories of the house: as a result, even now I can hear the way the stairs creaked when someone walked down them, the easy clicking sound the living room door handle made when you pushed it, I can see the exact order of photographs neatly arranged on my grandmother’s welsh dresser, all as if I had been in the house just yesterday.
I experienced these dreams on a weekly basis, long into the summer, a full six months after my grandfather’s passing. In what came to feel like a regular cycle, they would leave me filled with anger, sadness and yearning.
It was disturbing to me that during the day I was functioning well and felt like my grief was beginning to subside, only to go to bed and have it unleash itself on my sleeping mind.
Naturally, when my grandfather passed away, I had expected to feel grief at his loss — but not to grieve so vividly for a time of my life that ended four years before. This surprised me, and I also found it complicated by guilt: my grandmother was still alive – why was I grieving as if she had also passed away?
I spoke to the charity Cruse Bereavement Care to ask them why delayed grief can manifest. Clinical Director Andy Langford said: “We often hear from people who come to us a few months down the line because it’s only then that they are facing their grief, once they have had time to reflect. Sometimes we have people come to us years after the bereavement, when something seemingly mundane has triggered their grief.”
It may seem obvious, but processing grief is incredibly important for mental health, not least because suppressing it can contribute to the emergence of delayed grief at a later stage. There is no one correct way of processing grief, but taking the time to look after and listen to yourself is certainly a start. And that includes being able to take time off work.
Currently, there is no statutory bereavement leave allowance in the UK: it is down to your employer’s discretion for how much you will be granted and whether or not it will be paid.
By way of example, in what felt like a sick joke, my boyfriend was offered a week off by his employer to look after me after my grandfather died while I was only allowed two days, to be split as I chose between going to say goodbye before he died and also attending his funeral.
Undeniably, keeping busy is welcomed by some after they experience a loss, and routine can be good. To an extent, I found the humdrum of everyday life a welcome distraction during that period; but being left with no choice but to work so that I didn’t lose out on pay or holiday allowance only compounded the suffering I felt.
When I asked Cruse about this, Chief Executive Steven Wibberly said: “Support from employers can play a huge part in how someone is able to cope with their grief, which is why Cruse would strongly support any call for statutory paid bereavement leave.
“There is no one size fits all approach to grief, and we would urge employers to be as flexible as possible in how they support bereaved employees. Now more than ever employers should be prepared to adapt.”
A week after my grandfather’s funeral I was made redundant. I have no doubt that not having an adequate opportunity to process my immediate emotions, combined with suddenly going 100 to 0 as a result of redundancy and lockdown contributed to the force with which the nightmares I experienced began to hit me.
Now, 11 months on, I feel like I am beginning to have some answers to the way I was feeling. Hearing about my grandparents’ house was a trigger for a facet of grief I wasn’t expecting to experience. Compounded with the impossibility of adequately processing my emotions in real time as my grandfather was passing away due to work meant I bottled them up, damaging my mental wellbeing in the months to come.
As painful as it was, the past year has allowed me to slowly start remembering through a different lens.
The nightmares are now less frequent and have largely been replaced by softer feelings of sadness as my grief moves into a different stage. I still get scared of letting myself think about my grandparents’ house too much in case they come back, but having the chance to reflect on and process my own emotions over the past year or so has allowed me to slowly start remembering through a different lens.
Grief might not be done with me quite just yet, but that is okay.
For anyone dealing with delayed grief, Cruse Bereavement Care have put together the following tips:
Don’t Feel Embarrassed
It’s important not to feel embarrassed or ashamed about how you are feeling about something that may have happened years before. There is no time limit on grief and your grief is still valid, whenever the death was.
Talk To Someone
Talking can be really helpful, even if it is over the phone, internet or social media. Often family or friends can help.
Remember The Person Who Has Died
It can help to think of ways you can remember the person who has died, and keep them as part of your life. This might mean keeping a few special possessions, creating a memory box or special album of pictures, or organising a time for family and friends to come together and remember.
Anniversaries And Reminders
Birthdays, anniversaries and Mothers and Fathers Day can be difficult after someone close to us dies, and not just the first time, it can be equally hard years later. It can help to think in advance about how you are going to manage.
Look After Yourself
Even if the death was years ago, your grief can still have a physical impact. It’s important to pay attention to your own health – see your GP if you are concerned about anything. Make sure you are getting enough rest, sleep, exercise and food. Often people find that having a routine that helps is useful.
Contact Cruse
At Cruse we know that people sometimes find it helpful to speak to a someone they don’t know about how they are feeling. Cruse supports anyone who is struggling with grief, and it doesn’t matter when the bereavement was. Call our National Helpline on 0808 808 1677, or visit our website cruse.org.uk for information on how we can help.”
